A Ramsgate Blog

by craig on July 23, 2010 9:46 am in Life

This blog now comes to you from Ramsgate. Sorry about the hiatus. I flew back from Ghana overnight and that day picked up the keys and entered our new home. Since then I have been ankle deep in plaster dust. There is a lot to do.

I share the outrage over the lack of a prosecution for the manslaughter (at least) of Ian Tomlinson. On torture and extraordinary rendition, and on policy in Afghanistan, I feel events have completely vindicated me and my efforts. But there are times in life when you need to step back for a brief while from a public role and concentrate on your family, and this has been (and still will be for a few days) one of those times.

I really like Ramsgate. It reminds me a lot of Sheringham, where I grew up, Jamie and Emily went to prep schools in Broadstairs and Ramsgate respectively. It was a great port, from which many historic journeys started. You can still hop on a ferry over to Ostend. It feels vibrant compared to most of our larger seaside towns.

There is of course another side. Some time in the last 20 years, whether by drift of events or by conscious policy of Kent County Council or the Home Office (maybe someone can enlighten me), Thanet became a prime place to dump people the state viewed as problems. Asylum seekers – many of them genuine – drug addicts, rehabilitating offenders, problem families, all found themselves put into the crumbling and unwanted seaside guest houses of Thanet. Some people cashed in – our house was illegally and horribly converted into bedsits. The despair and seediness of it all were brilliantly chronicled in the film The Last Resort.

Ramsgate, of course, is not Margate. But if you need a policeman in a hurry out of hours they come from Margate, as we discovered when we came across a middle aged drug addict attempting to throttle his similarly afflicted partner – who was bleeding from a blow to the face – in Ramsgate High Street at 6pm.

Only the second time I have had to call 999 in my life, and I had only been in Ramsgate 24 hours!

Into this extraordinary mix you then disgorge from the newly built high speed rail link a crowd of largely young professional London commuters. I am in a sense one, though I won’t commute. The attraction is that 70 minutes from St Pancras you can pick up a perfectly serviceable three bedroom house with a good garden for £160,000. Or if you are crazy like us you can pick up a rambling 1834 villa with 14 major rooms, all in a state of decay, and a very large garden for £295,000.

The High Speed Rail Link is really impressive as far as Ashford, running on the Eurostar lines allegedly at 140mph. After that it continues on not so much at high speed, as not as slow as a stopping train. Until the high speed link, trains in the 2000′s took 15 minutes longer to reach Ramsgate from London than they did in the 1890′s.

With its refurbished marina, swathe of new restaurants and official council attempt to create a “cafe culture”, Ramsgate becomes a still more interesting social mix. The one really functional bit of our house was an expensive and comprehensive alarm system – I am scared to fart unless the police come hurtling round. The security bars on our neighbour’s house remind me of living in Lagos. Plainly there are social tensions, at least in the minds of the owners of larger houses.

I know that I feel resentment at all the “foreigners” (ie non-Shannocks) who swamped Sheringham. As a child if I walked down Sheringham High Street, not only would I know everyone I saw, literally half of them would be related to my mum. God knows who they all are now. And Sheringham does not have the brash yuppie-ism of the Marina area at Ramsgate and its pretence at being Cannes, for young locals to make fun of.

But so far I have found Ramsgate people entirely welcoming, and there is at least some anecdotal evidence that the local economy is benefiting. Both the tree surgeon and plumber have told us that most of their work at the minute is from commuters who have just moved down from London. The last couple of evenings I ate in a Lithuanian/Russian restaurant named CCCP, and in an Indian/Bengali restaurant named Spice Fusion which was opened by lads from London who moved down the same day as me.

Ramsgate. The fashionable place to live. It must be – the Murrays are here :-)

86 Comments

  1. Ishmael

    23 Jul, 2010 - 10:54 am

    Good luck old chap.

  2. somebody

    23 Jul, 2010 - 11:22 am

    Thank God for that. I was getting heartily sick of those photos of pineapples etc. Anyway much happiness in your new home. Why so big? Are you going to do B&B?! Nice bracing air for Cameron.

    New Tory MP I see, daughter of Duncan Sandys.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramsgate

  3. Boring Bob

    23 Jul, 2010 - 11:23 am

    I ate in an Indian restaurant once.

  4. somebody

    23 Jul, 2010 - 11:25 am

  5. craig

    23 Jul, 2010 - 11:53 am

    boring bob

    I take your point! I will get back to politics, in the broad sense, soon.

  6. ingo

    23 Jul, 2010 - 11:59 am

    Keep that non shannock builder away from the marble fireplaces, there’s no rush, its not getting cold yet.

    Make sure you wear masks with all that dust around, you never know what these old buildings contain.

    Do explore the Government grants for various energy saving measures and such like.

    http://www.energysavingtrust.org.uk/Easy-ways-to-stop-wasting-energy/Energy-saving-grants-and-offers

    See you early next month, Jamie comes first this time, see whether the bracing seas at Ramsgate compare to Sheringhams gentle waves here in Norfolk. Read the news about NCFC?

    Another thing, sea air makes you thirsty and tired….

  7. glenn

    23 Jul, 2010 - 1:15 pm

    Good to see you back, I was wondering what had happened to you. Sounds like you’ve bought yourself a lot of work there! Good luck with the new house.

  8. Strategist

    23 Jul, 2010 - 1:34 pm

    Good choice! I’m a big fan of Ramsgate. Keep an eye out for the products of the Ramsgate Brewery, some of the finest real ales in the country.

  9. Jon

    23 Jul, 2010 - 2:06 pm

    Welcome back, Craig, and best wishes to you and the family as you settle into the new home.

  10. glenn

    23 Jul, 2010 - 2:31 pm

    I like this… The economy is growing much faster than expected, we hear today on The World At One. “The government says that it demonstrates that it can withstand planned spending cuts.”

    Of course, if the economy was found _not_ to be growing much faster than expected, then this would mean we would need to implement deep spending cuts very urgently.

    What utter chutzpah. Naturally, nobody called them on it.

  11. Michael James Reid

    23 Jul, 2010 - 3:04 pm

    Likewise, I wish you well in your new home. In the seventies I used to live in a village fairly nearby, by the name of Blean. At that period of my life I taught at a school in Canterbury for twelve years. I like Kent a lot and I do hope you and your family settle down to a happy life there.

    On another point, I follow a journalist by the name of Andrew Buncombe. He writes for The Independent. Despite his green armband identifying him as a journalist/reporter he was wounded/shot in the recent violent demonstrations that took place, here in Bangkok, in May this year. In his twitter message for today he referred to an article on rendition that was published in the Independent for today 23/7/10. Since you were very much involved in human rights as portrayed by your book I thought you might be interested in reading the article. The Title of the article is: “Uncovered: Britain’s Secret Rendition Programme”. written by Robert Verkaik.

    I have to say that I am very inexperienced at writing on the internet but I suppose that this is the kind of thing one does. I follow you, since I was impressed by “Murder in Samarkand”.

  12. Chin

    23 Jul, 2010 - 3:23 pm

    Welcome back Craig. Good to have you back.

    While I’m sure you have all noticed the ‘I’ word used by Clegg, and the speculation whether other coalition partners would have approved, I came across this YouTube clip of the moment he says it. Watch Osbourne’s and Hague’s faces. Do they they strike you as someone surprised by his choice of words?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yc92g8dCvcY

  13. Mark

    23 Jul, 2010 - 3:24 pm

    Good luck Craig- I hope Ramsgate turns out to be an inspired choice; it isn’t as quaint and twee as Broadstairs, and wasn’t as damaged by negative social trends in the 70s/80s as Margate (the Cliftonville end in particular was a favoured dumping ground for social services departments looking to offload troubled kids from care homes at 18, or the semi institutionalised inmates of now closed mental hospitals).

    The weather there is often the best on offer in the UK , except when (shades of John Jardyce) the wind is ‘due East!’.

  14. Anonymous

    23 Jul, 2010 - 4:15 pm

    I turn to this blog for a taste of humanity to sweeten the stench of much of British politics, with insightful comment on current matters, Like you, I find the Ian Tomlinson affair breathtaking/gut wrenching in its bare faced mendacity, and heartbreaking for anyone who thinks justice is important.

    I was hoping for a few comments about what appears to be a slow but accelerating unravelling of the British political establishment, with Clegg’s ‘illegal’ word exchange with your least favourite politician Jack Straw and the Gaddafi/Megrahi/Blair/BP/Scottish government affair coming under the spotlight. The scales seem to be falling from too many eyes now to sustain the massive pretence that makes up the British political system. Time for a colour revolution of our own? I am gratified to see your interest in earthy things. I am going for green.

  15. Ben Newsam

    23 Jul, 2010 - 4:15 pm

    Craig, you poor dear. You have found the real world but it’s all a big mystery to you.

  16. douglas leighton

    23 Jul, 2010 - 4:18 pm

    My identification details seemed to go adrift when I posted my comment.

  17. ingo

    23 Jul, 2010 - 4:31 pm

    So you are going green,at July, are you?

    Consider this lukewarm response from Jenny Jones in quotation marks below, she is a LAM sitting on the Metropolitan Police assembly.

    If thats all we can expect from aprogressive party that prouds itself on its egalitarian principles? Does she say anything aboput democratic accountability, or what she will do to try and sort it out?

    “This decision by the MPS won’t please anyone. It won’t satisfy the family, who don’t have justice. It won’t satisfy the officer, as he hasn’t been officially cleared, just not prosecuted. And it won’t satisfy the police as their reputation will be damaged yet again. ”

    “Time and again, the police appear to get away with serious assault or even manslaughter. From Blair Peach to Jean Charles de Menezes, they aren’t being held to account for their crimes, and it’s damaging to their public image.”

    “A trial for the officer would have tested the reputations of the medical experts involved. I am confident that a judge would come down on the right side of justice.”

  18. Abe Rene

    23 Jul, 2010 - 4:32 pm

    Good luck refurbishing your 14-room house. I wonder whether you intend to set up some kind of human rights institute there.

  19. Richard Robinson

    23 Jul, 2010 - 4:49 pm

    I suspect a lot of seaside towns have this kind of problem ? They specialised in providing temporary accomodation, and now the seaside-holiday trade’s getting out-competed by the Med., etc, so they have take anything they can get, in a market where Councils are the main buyer ?

  20. Mark Golding - Children of Iraq

    23 Jul, 2010 - 5:18 pm

    Ramsgate, where I nearly drowned at the age of five in one of those little peddle boats – saved by my dad bless him.

    Be grateful for the plaster dust – it means you have a home. Good luck.

  21. mike cobley

    23 Jul, 2010 - 5:32 pm

    Hi Craig – check out what Tim Farron’s been saying about toxic tories, oh, and I’ve been ranting at Libdemvoice as well, just keeping it stirred a bit.

    http://www.libdemvoice.org/john-pugh-mp-asks-for-members-feedback-on-health-issues-20260.html

  22. ingo

    23 Jul, 2010 - 5:35 pm

    Something that should happen all over the country tommorrow, spontaneously at 12 noon.

    Well it will happen here in Norfolk, spread the news and organise your own.

    If we cannot assemple in Londond and demonstrate without being physically apprehended or violently attacked by the police, then we have to do it locally from now on, everywhere, not convenient, easy to control, all in one place actions, easing the logistics for the Met.

    NO, from now on these demos will hopefully happen all over the country and spread their attention, now they have to work for their pensions.

    http://norfolknonaligned.wordpress.com/2010/07/23/vigil-for-ian-tomlinson/

  23. Clark

    23 Jul, 2010 - 5:36 pm

    Congratulations on your move and best wishes to you in your new home. It sounds like a wonderful place with lots of character; I hope you have great fun getting it all fixed up.

  24. Ruth

    23 Jul, 2010 - 6:18 pm

    Congratulations from me too! I know Thanet very well indeed and went to school in Ramsgate. The beaches all over the Isle are magnificent wth their sand, cliffs, rock pools etc. Really great for children. May be I’ll come across you there one day!

  25. Mark Golding - Children of Iraq

    23 Jul, 2010 - 7:16 pm

    Douglas Leighton,

    You said, ‘I was hoping for a few comments about what appears to be a slow but accelerating unravelling of the British political establishment.’

    With respect, rest assured the political swamp is bubbling with the breaths of a every insightful and aware British commentator.

    Craig has just returned – give him grace – Megrahi/illegal/the Met will burn for a long while yet.

  26. writerman

    23 Jul, 2010 - 8:51 pm

    it’s amusing that Craig has choosen to live in a style and place remarkably similar to where I live.

    I’m not all that keen on having the builders in, and as a kind of therapy, and a change of pace, a rest from writing all day, I decided to restore our villa on my own. Fourteen years later… I’m still at it! It took us at least five years to get the jungle of a massive garden into shape.

    We still have a flat in the city though, when we feel like a ‘holiday’.

  27. eddie

    23 Jul, 2010 - 9:47 pm

    Craig – how odd. I grew up in Ramsgate and left there when I was 21. I still have sisters living there and own a flat in Sandwich. I have always thought it was a place with huge potential and it has an amazing history and some stunning properties (which, if transplanted to London would quadruple in price). As you say, it has become run down in recent decades, and Margate is one of the most deprived places in the southeast, although the Turner centre may help to revive it. Turner painted there, Van Gogh lived in Ramsgate briefly and Dickens lived at Broadstairs. Parts of David Copperfield are set on the clifftop. I hope you enjoy living there and can add some energy to civic affairs.

  28. Strategist

    23 Jul, 2010 - 11:47 pm

    Here’s another top class Ramsgate blog: from Eddie Gadd of the Ramsgate Brewery.

    Well worth checking out – and the latest post on Progressive Beer Duty is a minor masterpiece of the bloggers’ art: the personal and the political.

    http://www.gaddsbeershop.blogspot.com/

    But Gadd’s blog has one up on Craig’s: you can buy real ale on it!

  29. somebody

    24 Jul, 2010 - 9:04 am

    This on the ConDems’ proposal to alter the law on obtaining arrest warrants for the likes of Israeli war criminals like Livni. It would also apply to others. Remember how Thatcher allowed General Pinochet to escape British justice.

    http://www.redress.cc/stooges/slittlewood20100724

    SYNOPSIS – Stuart Littlewood views the UK Conservative-led coalition

    government’s decision to make it harder to prosecute Israeli war criminals

    under universal jurisdiction.

  30. Iain Orr

    24 Jul, 2010 - 9:40 am

    Craig – Welcome back to the unreal world of the Tomlinson decision and of Jack Straw popping up like a bad smell from a drain.

    Unless you already have it, there’s a housewarming present waiting for the event, with shared memories of Ghana and Ramsgate – strangely, Margate’s neighbouring acronym: are there any other such examples?

    It’s a book for your Grade II listed library: Fran Beauman’s “The Pineapple – King of Fruits” (Chatto 2005).

  31. Parky

    24 Jul, 2010 - 11:18 am

    Living in ambassadorial accommodation all those years must make it very hard to live in confines suffered by the proletariat and a fourteen room villa has to be the des res of choice. Better make sure the gate is locked at night though just to be on the safe side.

    You seem to be confused or confounded by the changes in British society which on the one hand have produced more eating out opportunities for the Guardian reading classes and at least some hope to the homeless, poor and destitute from other lands. It’s this contradiction which is also apparent to those who support the aims of the BNP, which I understand is popular in parts of Kent on the blunt end of an open door mass immigration policy. Who could blame them?

  32. Mark Golding - Children of Iraq

    24 Jul, 2010 - 11:20 am

    Well picked up Somebody -

    The crucial factor in President Bush’s decision to attack Iraq and murder and maim 327,430 children, including babies and toddlers, was to help Israel.

    With support from Israel and America’s Jewish-Zionist lobby, and prodded by Jewish “neo-conservatives” holding high-level positions in his administration, President Bush ?” who was already fervently committed to Israel ?” resolved to invade and subdue one of Israel’s chief regional enemies.

    I stated on the now defunct WebCameron, along with the majority of past posters that we would fight with every bone in our bodies, every sinew, to prevent our country Britain becoming a slave to the murderous Israeli government.

    A UK-based group has written to the Committee on Standards in Public Life formally requesting an investigation of Israeli influence that paralyses the heart of British government.

    As the 21-month-long siege of Gaza becomes a death sentence for yet more civilians, a group in the UK with experience of the Israeli-occupied territories is urging the Committee on Standards in Public Life to examine whether there is undue Israeli influence at the heart of the British government.

    The group invites readers to join them in pressing the Standards Committee to uphold the seven Principles of Public Life and banish lobby groups acting on behalf of foreign military regimes.

    Please write to:

    Peter Ramsden

    Secretary to the Committee

    Committee on Standards in Public Life

    35 Great Smith Street

    London SW1P 3BQ

    Email: public@standards.x.gsi.gov.uk

    With enormous thanks for just a minute of your time.

  33. Anonymous

    25 Jul, 2010 - 1:11 pm

    ‘Chavez: US and Colombia plan to attack Venezuela’

    http://www.chavezcode.com/2010/07/chavez-us-and-colombia-plan-to-attack.html

  34. ingo

    26 Jul, 2010 - 9:20 am

    By now all of you must have heard, the proverbial has hit the fan, big time.

    I think that this marks the real turn around to the war in Afghanistan and I thank Julian Assange for his brave work and message.

    The message is that non of the major news networks can be trusted with such news.

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/blog/2010/jul/26/afghanistan-war-logs-wikileaks#start-of-comments

  35. Adrian Kent

    26 Jul, 2010 - 10:20 am

    Good luck with the new house and the move to East Kent. It reminded me of when I moved down here to Brighton a few years back – I was greeted by a bloke at the bar in my new local who introduced himself by asking if I was a “f**king dear fella?”. I said of course I was, and asked if he was “f**king lovely too?”. He told me to f**k off then. Turns out dear-fella was actually ‘D-F-L-er’ – a down from London-er. I wonder if the good people of Ramsgate use the same term.

  36. Paul Johnston

    26 Jul, 2010 - 11:47 am

    See Kent has it’s own branch of Medical Justice which you spoke to recently in Manchester

  37. BGD

    27 Jul, 2010 - 9:20 am

    We live in Broadstairs next door. Ramsgate is as you say an interesting social mix.

    You are lucky that your children are passed school age though because many of the schools are appalling.

    The other half is doing a PGCE and recently did some required observation in one of the schools where many of the kids regularly came in black and blue, one was a reformed child prostitute another had been found living a feral existence in back gardens, many had addicts for parents and lived in blocks with rubbish piled high.

    Added to your list of state dumping agencies, I believe many London councils bought property here in the 90s and moved some of their live-in children’s homes to the neighborhood.

    Mind you architecturally, many of the buildings are just wonderful. Very large with public garden spaces running down the middle of the road like some London boroughs and at a price that makes an ex-Londoners jaw drop.

    This gentleman has a frequently amusing take on matters Thanet:

    http://eastcliffrichard.blogspot.com/

  38. BGD

    27 Jul, 2010 - 9:22 am

    LOL.

    “Past school age” I believe I meant. Hundred lines..

  39. BGD

    27 Jul, 2010 - 9:27 am

    Final edit: there are though many grammar schools.

  40. Craig Cameron Oldfield

    27 Jul, 2010 - 6:05 pm

    I want your back gate, man. I will rattle it goodstyle. I am a professional rattler. I have the keys. I am also a fervent Zionist and we WILL prevail. Full stop. End of story.

  41. erotyka

    27 Jul, 2010 - 7:05 pm

    Intriguing post. I have been searching for some good resources for solar panels and discovered your blog. Planning to bookmark this one!

  42. Suhayl Saadi

    27 Jul, 2010 - 11:53 pm

    I did not post the above message. I would never say such a thing.

  43. Suhayl Saadi

    27 Jul, 2010 - 11:56 pm

    The message posted at 11.53 is a fake and not posted by me. I seem to have attracted an admirer or a jealous nut-job.

    Keep up the good work, Craig. Your ground-breaking book must be translated into EVERY language!!!

  44. Frazer

    28 Jul, 2010 - 10:35 am

    When will my room be ready then ??

    Thanks for a great weekend..see you all when I get back from deepest Africa..

  45. filmiki erotyczne

    28 Jul, 2010 - 11:52 am

    I really like the content you have on your blog. I really love it! I want to share with anybody on how to earn million money online easily.

  46. Zionist B'Astardo

    28 Jul, 2010 - 3:39 pm

    I have read with disgust the crap that here is posted.

    Craig, this blog should moderated be.

  47. somebody

    29 Jul, 2010 - 1:56 pm

    BGS Did you not know that Craig has a little boy born 12th May 2009?

    ‘Happy news for our controversial former man in Uzbekistan, Craig Murray. The ex-diplomat and his former belly-dancer partner Nadira have had a baby son, Cameron, born at Chelsea and Westminster hospital yesterday.

    An ebullient Murray, 50, who has two children by a previous marriage, was sacked by the Foreign Office after blowing the whistle on state-sponsored brutality in the Central Asian republic. He exclaims: ‘Wonder! Cameron and Nadira are both

    doing fine.’

    Daily Mail 13th May 2009

    Agree with Zionist B’Astardo (there’s a name to conjure with) that moderation is badly needed here.

  48. Suhayl Saadi

    29 Jul, 2010 - 3:34 pm

    Any post allegedly from me is not from me if it criticizes Criag, who I support with all my heart.

  49. somebody

    29 Jul, 2010 - 9:14 pm

    We need moderation to ensure that no Zionist opinions get through here.

    So what do you say, Craig?

    I realise you are busy trying to dream up new ways to prove just how in touch you are with society’s deprived and dispossessed, however.

  50. Suhayl Saadi

    29 Jul, 2010 - 9:16 pm

    I’m going to bed now. Any posts claiming to be from me are fakes, unless I awake in the midnight hour and feel the urgent need to relieve myself on this blog.

  51. Mama Walton

    29 Jul, 2010 - 9:25 pm

    Goodnight, John Boy!

  52. craig

    29 Jul, 2010 - 9:35 pm

    Capaldi’s

    Its a loud, mediocre suburban cafe-style restaurant, with very ordinary Italian food and absolutely abysmal service!

    When we were first seated no one came near us to take a drinks order for ages. They obviously didn’t know who we were, nor knew how famous we are! When we finally got tired of waiting and flagged a waiter down he said “oh, you’re ready? I won’t be a moment” then he went to a nearby table, collected their empty plates and had a chat for a while. When he eventually graced us with his presence we asked for one of the (very few!) red wines on the (very sad!) wine list and he acted like he’d never heard of it before and we were asking him for something totally bizarre. I guess Italian waiters don’t understand my accent when I try to speak French.

    Incidently, the first wine on the list under “Australian Reds” is in fact from New Zealand! One of our party asked for a glass of white wine and got a glass of water instead. Also we had to ask twice for a jug of water for the table and when it was empty it was never replaced.

    The food ordering was worse, I specifically asked if I could have chips as a side in addition to the bed of mash that came with my steak and was told yes, no problem. Of course the chips didn’t turn up and when I reminded the waiter he wanted to know why I didn’t order them before! They eventually came just at the end of the meal.

    My entree ravioli was boring with a sauce that could have come from a jar. My steak, which I had ordered medium-rare, came seriously well-done and seemed to be a thinnish piece of rump cut into three pieces and made into a stack!

    The desserts seemed to be trying to make up for being ordinary by being way too big and drowned in lashings of cream. The ricotta cheesecake was terrible, so dry and dusty it made us cough. And by then there was no water, remember!

    At more than 50 pounds a head for 5 of us (with 2 non-drinkers at the table) I thought the place was seriously the worst dining experience I have had in years. It is noteworthy that the place doesn’t have a sign outside, just a small steel plaque with its name high up, inside the restaurant, so its hard to find and easy to miss. I’d say that’s just as it should be!

    I’m beginning to think the move to Ramsgate was a mistake.

  53. Suhayl Saadi

    29 Jul, 2010 - 9:45 pm

    Thanks for the highly entertaining review Craig. Your writing is as excellent as ever!

  54. craig

    29 Jul, 2010 - 9:52 pm

    I am becoming more and more enamoured of the coalition government. If Nadira and I are blessed with a second son I have decided to name him Clegg. What a partnership! Cameron and Clegg!

  55. somebody

    29 Jul, 2010 - 10:02 pm

    Not me at 9.14. Not my style and have been watching the odious Nick Robinson shilling for the ConDems or the Goves and the Kluggs as I now call them. That was a nickname coined for them on medialens.

    Real Craig please come back and sort what you are going to do about these impostors.

  56. Richard Robinson

    29 Jul, 2010 - 10:36 pm

    I wouldn’t want Nick Robinson (no relation) rattling my back door.

  57. Suhayl Saadi

    30 Jul, 2010 - 4:17 pm

    The post at 9:45pm on July 29th 2010 was not written by me. The bargain basement troll team are attempting to render the website useless by filling it with artifical posts which attack the credibility of th host and also sticking various people’s names underneath to confuse and turn others away. The post at 9:16pm was also fake, btw.

    What it boils down to is this:

    Those who work as trolls, whether paid or unpaid, are supporting, and working for, mass murder and torture, perpetual war and ultimately the destruction of the planet.

    They are also overwhelmingly incompetant at what they are meant to be doing. The upsurge in moronic troll activity is probably partly a result of the host understandably being busy with life at the moment, and so a vacuum develops which tends to attract those who cling to the lowest common denominator, the weeds, the creepers, the flowerpot men!

    What we need are troll-eaters, like in the old computer game, ‘Pac-man’.

  58. Suhayl Saadi

    30 Jul, 2010 - 4:21 pm

    The post at 3:34pm on 29th July was also fake. 11:56pm on 27th July was also fake.

    I’m going to stop now, as I suspect the trolls want to preoccupy us with this rubbish. I think people can judge for themselves which posts by any of us are real and which, fake. I suggst that we ignore the fake ones entirely and just get on with discourse.

  59. craig

    30 Jul, 2010 - 4:36 pm

    I am the real Craig. I have a chin. The camera sometimes lies.

    I defend the underdog, from my spacious Ramsgate villa, and I know important people.

    My wife is a stripper.

    We hate Zionists and we do NOT live in a compound.

    This is specific.

    I am also a writer, but sadly I have forgotten my principles when it comes to choosing between Capaldi’s restaurant and the Taj Mahal on Ramsgate high street.

    I love Cameron. He is like a son to me. I treat him as my own. He has specific talent and was not conceived in a bargain basement.

  60. Suhayl Saadi

    30 Jul, 2010 - 4:38 pm

    The post at 4.21 was not mine. It is not my style.

  61. Suhayl Saadi

    30 Jul, 2010 - 4:40 pm

    “It’s this contradiction which is also apparent to those who support the aims of the BNP, which I understand is popular in parts of Kent on the blunt end of an open door mass immigration policy. Who could blame them?” parky 11:18am on 24th July 2010.

    I see that BNP supporters are becoming bored with the blood, honour, soil and Asian marriage adverts which surround their own website.

  62. Suhayl Saadi

    30 Jul, 2010 - 5:05 pm

    And so, the site is being inundated by a combination of fascists, trolls, spambots and miscellaneous messianics – a zombie army of the long undead.

    Anyone have any silver…?

  63. Suhayl Saadi

    30 Jul, 2010 - 5:07 pm

    The message posted at 4:40 was not mine.

  64. Suhayl Saadi

    30 Jul, 2010 - 5:08 pm

    The message posted at 5:07 PM was not from me.

  65. Suhayl Saadi

    30 Jul, 2010 - 8:18 pm

    Is the USA funding the Taliban? Why do we never see this question posed as a headline in any of the mainstream ‘papers or on any TV or radio channel? The question may or may not be ludicrous, but the fact that it’s never asked begs the subsequent question of why is it never asked?

    Ask Hakluyt: they’ll know, but they’re not telling.

  66. Suhayl Saadi

    30 Jul, 2010 - 11:33 pm

    Bollocks, trollops, I am going to bed. Any posts appearing to be mine during the night are the product of the fascists, the fops, the tiddlers, the envious.

    Good night!

  67. Suhayl Saadi

    31 Jul, 2010 - 9:20 am

    Emetic nonsense at 11:33pm. Oh, you’ve discovered how to insert a link! Gosh, evolution must be real. Darwin was right.

  68. Suhayl Saadi

    31 Jul, 2010 - 3:24 pm

    The post at 9:20 AM was not mine.

    Craig, please put a stop to this when you are not too busy.

  69. Suhayl Saadi

    31 Jul, 2010 - 3:27 pm

    The post at 3:24 PM was not mine. I would never use a meaningless phrase like “emetic nonsense”.

    You know the difference by the style.

    I will stop this now as I suspect the trolls are gaining some perlectic joy from my protestations.

  70. Suhayl Saadi

    31 Jul, 2010 - 3:35 pm

    The troll-teams’ e-mail addresses, and other material relating to them, is over on the ‘Trolls thread.

    You know “the difference” by the fact that they are warmongers and supporters of mass murder.

  71. Suhayl Saadi

    31 Jul, 2010 - 9:23 pm

    Not me at 3:35 PM

  72. Suhayl Saadi

    31 Jul, 2010 - 9:52 pm

    Neil Barker, tell me, how is Emma these days?

    Let’s inform everyone of your contact details so that everyone can wish you and Emma a wonderful weekend.

    neil@nemesis.nu

    Neil is a Picture Editor with the Burton Daily Mail.

    Here they are: true love!

    http://www.burtonmail.co.uk/News/Swine-flu-threat-to-honeymoon.htm

    Glad you didn’t get swine ‘flu, Neil. Did you ever get to Mexico?

    Neil lives on Cedar Road in Castle Gresley, Derbyshire.

    Perhaps this is the ‘Third World Country’ to which he was referring.

    Don’t mess with me, guys.

  73. Suhayl Saadi

    31 Jul, 2010 - 10:07 pm

    He had been dusting for nearly half-an-hour but it felt like his whole life. The shop was becoming unbearably warm. Its lemon walls were beginning to crowd in on him, so that he felt soon he would be crushed beneath their dull, yellow weight. The air was stifling, dead and yet he seemed to need great gulps of it. He felt that he would begin to expand like an overfed goldfish and would burst through the shelves, the plaster, the broken clock. He forced his right hand to continue wiping dust off the mica counter while with his left, he adjusted the knot of his bandanna. Somewhere at his back, his parents busied themselves as they always had, all their lives. Busy, busy, busy.

    The sounds of running and shouting shifted from the street in through the open doorway, disturbing the suffocating rhythm of the morning. Plastic on tarmac. Spittle. The big sky. Sal recognised the voices, and his heart leapt, then felt empty. As the lads ran past the burning glass, Salman Ishaq allowed the duster to fall from his hand. He watched it cut a delicate, slightly imperfect trajectory through the methi air and then ran out of his father’s shop to shrieks of

    ‘Haraam zaada! Five minutes work, and he’s done? Hud haraam. Useless bastard!’

    They did not beckon, entreat or threaten him to come back; he knew this was because they would not expect him to have listened. He knew, as the sun’s heat embraced his ears, burning out the fading, effervescent cries of home that during the succeeding minutes, hours, years his father would accuse his mother of having brought defective genes into the family, and his mother would retort to her majaz-i-Khuda, the life of her heart, that it would not have been possible to pollute the blood of his people, since their blood had already been dirtier than a Muzaffarabad cesspool. Love among the peasants was like that, mused Salman Ishaq (or ‘Sal’, as he was known outside of his home and his hundred-strong brathery, though his parents and all of the aunties remained in total ignorance – blissful, perhaps – of this almost Roman and hence porcine nickname). He slackened his stride, allowing his long, Reebok’d legs to spring up and down on the quivering asphalt. White on black. Sal was fair-skinned, almost white – in any other country except Caledonia he would’ve been white, say Italy for example, or Espana or Portugal, or Greece or? he cursed his luck for ending up in this country of wallpaper-blond people. He cursed his parents. Fuckin ignorant peasants. Knew how to milk a coo and shit in the fields (and, he admitted begrudgingly, how tae run a Carry-out Off-licence), but when it came to knowin where they were at, he chuckled with a thoroughly blond glee, they didnae have a clue, no a fuckin clue. The group of lads he was following were also running, though not as fast and so he was able tae cover the ground rapidly and would soon be up with them. After aw, that wis why he had dropped his duster in the first place (an in several other places, too) symbol as it wis ae servitude fuck, he wisnae hovin that, his fellow-gang members seein him mop a fuckin flaer. No way. In the distance, their bandannas darted up and down, dun specks amid the gleaming bodies of cars. They were weaving in and out, darting between the moving vehicles, making them stop altogether at times, and then they’d be up onto the pavement and then back into the swim of the road. He could hear their shouts and the curses of the motorists, and began to feel the pulse in his chest grow stronger, impelling him to join them, to orgasm in vandal with the gang. Some of the drivers were shouting through rolled-down glass, swearing in Punjabi as well as in English, both at his pals up ahead and now also at him, too as he began darting in diamond formation, following in the hot tracks of the gang. Halfway down Albert Drive, he caught up with his comrades, and slapped Ali on the shooder.

    ‘Hey, bhen-chaud! What’s up?’ Ali shouted in smiles.

    They exchanged Bronx palm-slaps while from beneath the thick waves of August heat, a bass guitar thudded epileptiform rhythms, Bombay Dopplersahb spirals from an open-topped sportscar.

    Thunk!

    Roo-roo-roo-roo-roo

    Love me!

    Thunk!

    Roo-roo-roo-roo-roo

    Love me!

    They started off again, the three of them, impelled by the insistent thrum of the music in their ears.

    As the Gang ran on, the shopkeepers moved in glue, hardly noticing them as they whooped past. They lived in a different time, another place. The dhokandaars were strung on the drone of a sarod, they pulsed to the rhythms of a different beat, a beat of the seasons, of the peasant calendar, of monsoon into dry and dry into monsoon. They knew nothing of white water, or of white women. They slunk along the fields of their gao’s, happy only to be a little more than serfs. They asked for nothing else. Would have seen it as presumptuous, in another man’s country. Sal felt a buzz in his brain. He was on the runnin-board, and they were pedestrians.

    They reached the end of the street. Ahead lay the Tramway, a theatre which none of them had ever been in, not even when the Mela had been there. The Mela wis jis fur kids and cooncillurs. Sal and his dosts preferred machines to people. They were noisy, irascible, silicon-based like Michael Jackson. They’d play the robots for hours, not bothering whether they won or lost, not caring about the game. Just moving into the beat of chip upon chip, a twitch of the film-star thigh, the hot shoulder shuffle. They were on the film-set, they were living in total. There were no spaces in their existence. No gaps of silence. The Gang turned west, away fae the Mosques, towards Maxwell Park. That’s where they were heidet. To the pond, and the trees. To muck up the quiet. To fill it wi gouts ae Bhangra and Baissee. They skatit past the tenement closes, each one a blink in the Gang’s eye. The sound of generations carved into each corniced ceiling. Flip back: Sal, in the gao. Or, to be more accurate, in Azaad-Kashmir, the Land of Freedom. His family’s land, earth-brown like their skins (not like Sal’s, though), old blood, like the tenement stone. But Sal was another kind of Azaadi. Another hybrid. His was a freedom-within-freedom. A distant, grainy monochrome of greased colonials. Sal, formed between the dots of white and black, somewhere in the invisible alchemical mix flooding through the paper. Long before his conception, Sal was there in the deep line of Partition, in the slime cartridge hate of the one for the other. Peel back the layer, the snakeskin deceptions of Poonch, now in Occupied Kashmir previously in Dogra-land, before that, a gleam in the eye of the Great Mughal, and back, beyond the photoframe, through the nastaliq of dynasties, swimming through the hot sperm of a thousand, to Sikander, Conqueror of the World. Fast-forward: Sal an The Gang. The Black Bandannas. Black, because it made their faces look whiter. Italian, almost. Or Spanish, or Portuguese, or anything. As opposed tae the Kinning Park boys. As opposed tae ?

    The Uni-bastards

    The Mosquers

    The Khans

    and The Rest.

    They were all small-time, forming and disbanding from one year to the next in tenuous hierarchies of slang and spittle. Transient allegiances like in the Games, the video-shop computer games. Nothing was static. Life was movement, juddering, twitching, filmi-star movement. Peasant to refugee, refugee to kisaan; emigrant to immigrant, Paki tae dhokandaar; shopkeeper tae gang-member. Sal slowed to a walking pace. The swagger of the multitudes. Zafar lit a cigarette, handed the pack roon. Puffin draws, they got their breath back.

    ‘Where’re we gan?’ Ali asked. Ali wis a Shia. Less than a human being, according tae the shitfaced cunt in the Bookshop.

    ‘The Park,’ Zafar replied, brusquely.

    Ali curled his lip.

    ‘The Park’s borin. Ah dinnae want tae go thir.’

    ‘You shut the fuck up, arsehole.’

    Ali shut up. He knew his place in the Gang, and that was as its arsehole. Zafar was its head, its brains, its brigadier (unlike Pakistan, the gangs did not have more brigadiers than sergeants).

    ‘What’ll we do there? In the Park.’ Sal asked, measuring his words, levelling them down into the shape of an unobtrusive wheatfield.

    ‘Sit, smoke, watch the burds. Tear the trees doon.’

    ‘Tear the trees? What the fuck for?’

    ‘Why the fuck, not?’

    Sal shrugged. Zafar was a line ae crack on black. Clear-cut and paagal. Sal wished he could be like that. As they walked along Darnley Street, Sal spotted a group of girls approaching from the opposite direction. They were growing like breasts, and he recognised wan ae his cousins amongst them and began tae hurl abuse as soon as he thought they might be within earshot. Not before. There was nothin more embarrassin than swearin at someone, and they couldnae fuckin hear you. The girls did hear it, and flung it right back, and the interchange continued as the two groups passed each other as though through a mirror and moved gradually out of earshot again. She had long, black hair, his cousin and he watched her swing it as she swore. Swung it around legs which he had never seen, but which he had often imagined as long, sinuous, soft, enticing? Fuckin bitch. He watched her as she disappeared around the corner. An imprint on his eyelids, and an ache in his groin. He blinked, and she was gone. But not the ache. The swollen throbbing expanded like Pakistan from the ‘plane, and became a marriage ceremony. A man-in-a-mask, the elephant’s vision. A bride, weeping tears through a waranteed hymen.

    He blinked, hard. Blood scarlet.

    Ali jabbed him in the ribs. Raised his thick, black eyebrows.

    ‘Randy bastart.’

    ‘No way. No fuckin way, man.’

    Ali shook his head, his lop-sided, peasant’s skull.

    ‘When the time comes?’

    ‘It’ll nivir come.’

    ‘Nae mair white burds, wi thur wide open cunts askin fur it, a glais ae vodka an their yours, nae matter how black ya are. Jis feed them enough booze an dope, an they’ll screw you and thank you fur it.’

    ‘At least ah get them.’

    That shut him up. Ali. Him, wi his big bug-eyes. Too big. They saw too much. They’d get him intae trouble, wan ae these days. Parso, they’d fuck him up, doon an sideeways. He remembered a thin white cow he’d screwed last month. The feel ae her anorexic thigh-joins. Bone on bone. Jag-mairks. They’d huv tae be stoned tae fuck a Paki. And then, only fur blue-backs. He began tae harden. Hated himsel. Puffed on his ciggie. It had gan oot.

    ‘Goa match?’ he asked Zafar.

    Zafar didn’t answer.

    Silent bastart, thought Sal and he flung the ciggie doon, killin its corpse wi a stroke ae his trainer.

    You’ll smoke your life away

    his mother had said. So many fuckin times. Like, they nivir said onyhin original, like there wis nuhin new in them. Nivir hud been. Jis work, work an work, like it wis the only thing in life. Kaam, kaam, kaam. Fuckin peasants. He wisnae in that trap. Gangstas were ootside ae aw that crap. They were on the border. Alang the silent razor. Between the dots. Sepia, again. Short-haired men with wives. Babies, dead- already. Visions of the past, of past lives. A long, Hindu cacophony. Sal laughed, inside of himself. He would never be born as a shopkeeper. Better, a dog. At least you got tae fuck freely. Or a mullah. Just sit in the mosque, and take money. Blue-backs. Grow a beard and never, ever smile. An easy job, really. One day, maybe. An image of a large bonfire. The Gangs, all throwing their bandannas into the flames. Black, red, blue. Even the Kinning Park Boys. All sprouting long, gray beards and adopting a bow-legged walk. The bonfire spread, and burned away the image.

    And what’s behind it?

    Sal the Gangsta asked Salman Ishaq Sahb the Mohlvi.

    Wagging his well-muscled finger, Ishaq Sahb gave the answer:

    Behind every image, there is always a jagirdaar. Just as (he went on) in every Coca-Cola tin there is a naked Amrikan slut, her legs overhanging the metal ?

    OK, OK Sal the Gangsta cut in, a little embarrassed, but what aboot ma Irn Bru tin?

    The Mullah did not understand. In England, all tins were the same, he intimated. Just being a tin, was enough. More than enough. Just thinking about a can might even be sufficient.

    But how could he know, Sal thought, unless he too, had been there, into the metal, between the jag-scarred thighs of the slut and had swum around (beard, frown-and-all) in the great fizzy vacuum of the West. Of Amrika, of Glasgee. The mullahs were all Amrikan agents. See-Eye-Aye. Everyone knew that. Even his father knew that, fur fuck’s sake.

    Now they were passin the Safeway, an there the pretty cars aw row’d up like obedient schoolkids. Only they weren’t learnin onyhin. The Great White Superstores, stolid bastions thrown in a ring aroon the city. His father often railed against the toilet-friendly conglomerates, saying that they’d milk the small shopkeeper dry. And what did loag want, Khuda-ke liye, a local, living-room sized dhokaan with you know a friendly face, or a giant metal aircraft hanger? What wus the future for our people in this country? He sounded like a guardian of the tiny units of commerce which Bonaparte had faced, ranged in bared teeth shopfronts along the white, Doverine cliffs of Albert Drive. And they were the new Napoleons, the massive brick battleships, the Safeways, the Sainsburys, the ASDAS besieging Glasgee, attacking Scola, runnin thur damned South American produce right intae the khanas of his ane bratherie. Apples ae Shaitan. The Gang chased past the trees of knowledge which burgeoned in the spacey grounds of the Hutcheson’s Grammar Schule, the in-vitro incubator of budding intellectuals. Where any parents who needed their kids as fuel for the already bulging middle classes that stuck society together sent their offspring. So many went there, and fucked up. Cause they’d rather rave, than save. Salman had never aspired to a hood-and-gown. Maybe it was his parents’ fault. Their lack of ambition. They’d rather he work in the shop. But then wasn’t everything their fault? Comin here in the first place. Runnin a fuckin Paki-shop. That wis what they were seen as. Could’ve worn top hats an tails, an owned hauf the city, an they’d still have been Pakis. He hated it. Never, never wanted to be a shopkeeper. Had missed out on learnin. Jis wanted tae be in a Gang, an tae shout. Tae scream in blood and bhangra.

    Boom-thaka-thaka-thaka-thaka-thaka

    Boom-thaka-thaka-thaka-thaka-thaka

    Boom-thaka-thaka-thaka-thaka-thaka

    The harsh, Jullundri consonants cut his flesh in slashes of kirpaan; it felt good; upon their blade would his skin grow calloused, hard. Nothing would hurt him. No words. No actions. Sticks and stones would shatter on his body. And still, he would sing-dance the juddering figure beat, the blood music of exile. The black slaves had bled in blue: R ‘n’ R, hip-hop, reggae; and now the sons of Swastika-daubed Paki-shop owners would disembowel the air in syncopation. Together, with night torches, they would fire the Swastikas and in the fractured air, would spin them round in great wheels up and down the streets of Glasgow. And they would feed the skinheads of Ibrox, the white trash tattoo of Penilee into the great, burning cunt of Mata Kali where five thousand firewheels spun time. Hindu symbols – yes! His parents would have been mortified to hear him thinking that way. But fuck it. They couldnae hear him thinking, no ony mair. It wis aw mixed up, onyway. Sikh Bhangra, Mussalmaan Qawal, Hindu Raag-Bhajan-Khayals? Black Blues, it all swirled together and spumed into a river of Techno-Rave Brummie Beat. And the Gang would rubber-dance in the Victorian park among the trees, the ducks, the water, the shouts of children. Amidst the summer leaves, they would make music, and war.

    They leapt over the jagged fence and into the Park. The smell of grass, cut skin-short. Roses like the lips of courtesans, drawing out the sex act into a stream of notes.

    Meri naam Jaan-ki-bai hai

    Meri naam Gauhar Jaan

    They half-ran down an incline and tumbled together in a heap near the bottom. Mothers were pushing prams, the wheels of which always seemed to go uphill. Children played with small boats and old folk simply sat in lines on benches, as though waiting their turn. Salman closed his eyes. Goldfish noises ?

    He felt a fist in his belly, enough to provoke but not to seriously wind him. He turned, and caught another on the jaw. His head buzzed as he threw his arms outward to grapple with his opponent. Got a hold of his waist, and didnae let go. Salman and Zafar wrestled on the grass, rolling and screaming. Ali leapt in, and his extra weight had the effect of pressing down on Salman’s chest so that he wasn’t able to move, and could hardly breathe. Was not able to say, Enough’s enough, lads. Get aff noo. Wasn’y sure they would’ve listened, anyway. The sun was streaming into his eyes and he could feel its golden brilliance flood through the coils of his brain. He could hear time run backwards through the veins of trees, moving always anti-clockwise in a broad tape-loop

    Kull ?

    Solitude

    Meri awaz suno, mujhe azad karo

    Kull ?

    Masks

    Chunnae ud ud’ jae, guth kul kul jae

    Kull ?

    Death is not dying

    Achintya bheda bheda Tattva

    Kull ?

    Light

    Kinna Sohna tainu, Rub nay banaya

    Kull ? C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    And Salman Ishaq was floating, downstream, in tears of noor.

    Allah-hu

    Allah-hu

    Allah-hu

    Inhale Allah Exhale Hu

    Inhale Allah Exhale Hu

    Inhale Allah Exhale Hu

    Allah-hu

    Allah-hu

    Allah-hu

    He realised he was able to breathe again. His neck felt stiff. They had got off his chest and were lying, breathless, beside him. They were basking in the sun’s warmth (this too, would’ve been unthinkable), half-watching the delicate slivers of light pour down on the park. They had noticed nothing. Would not have cared. They were true Gangstas. For a moment, he felt a rush of pride in being a part of the Black Bandannas – soon, he too, would be capable of feeling nothing – but it passed and left him empty. He looked away from them and just lay there, letting the backs of his fingers rest upon the short, fine blades of grass. The sun filled his eyes, making them sting and water but he did not allow the lids to close. He began to grow blind and it occurred to him that one day, not too far in the future, it would be his fingers that would be pushing up the grass and that what he thought, felt, did, created during that minuscule pause in his fate might live beyond him, his family, the tribe to which he happened to belong and that the only constant in the whole of Maxwell Park – the trees, the birds, the water, the kids – the only beat that pumped all other rhythms, was the beat of love. Salman took a deep breath, the deepest he’d ever taken, it filled parts of his lungs which had never before breathed, not even at the moment of his birth. He felt a great swell of happiness explode infinitely slowly from the centre of his being. His love spread across the grass, the trees, the trunks of dead elephants and returned to him sevenfold

    And in the end,

    When the music’s over

    There is only love

    The drone behind it all was the note, c, right there in the soul of his brain. He felt its smooth curves, the walls of a tunnel on the way to heaven. And there it was, in the very coils of paradise. He followed a bird as it coursed along the sky. He sat up. Ripping off his bandanna, he ran his fingers through his long hair. Felt free. Wanted to leap into the pond, and swim. Desired the cool, green gown of its depth. From far across the city, Salman heard the Azaan, carried upriver on currents of music. Rolling his bandanna out onto the grass, he faced towards Gorbals Cross and began to pray.

    Glossary . .

    Azaad Kashmir

    bhen-chaud

    brathery

    dhokaan

    dhokandaar

    gao

    haraam zaada

    hud

    haraamjagirdaar

    Jullunder

    khanas

    Khuda-ke-liye

    kisaan

    mela.

    methi

    paagal

    pars.

    Sikander -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    - Free Kashmir

    sister-fucker

    blood relatives

    shop

    shop-keeper

    village

    bastard

    useless person (literally, ‘bad bones’)

    big Punjabi landowner

    city in (Indian) Punjab

    rooms

    for God’s sake!

    farmer

    festival

    fenugreek

    crazy

    the day after tomorrow

    Alexander

    ? 2001 Suhayl Saadi

    This story may not be archived, reproduced or distributed further without the author’s express permission. Please see our conditions of use.

  74. Suhayl Saadi

    31 Jul, 2010 - 10:13 pm

    He had been dusting for nearly half-an-hour but it felt like his whole life. The shop was becoming unbearably warm. Its lemon walls were beginning to crowd in on him, so that he felt soon he would be crushed beneath their dull, yellow weight. The air was stifling, dead and yet he seemed to need great gulps of it. He felt that he would begin to expand like an overfed goldfish and would burst through the shelves, the plaster, the broken clock. He forced his right hand to continue wiping dust off the mica counter while with his left, he adjusted the knot of his bandanna. Somewhere at his back, his parents busied themselves as they always had, all their lives. Busy, busy, busy.

    The sounds of running and shouting shifted from the street in through the open doorway, disturbing the suffocating rhythm of the morning. Plastic on tarmac. Spittle. The big sky. Sal recognised the voices, and his heart leapt, then felt empty. As the lads ran past the burning glass, Salman Ishaq allowed the duster to fall from his hand. He watched it cut a delicate, slightly imperfect trajectory through the methi air and then ran out of his father’s shop to shrieks of

    ‘Haraam zaada! Five minutes work, and he’s done? Hud haraam. Useless bastard!’

    They did not beckon, entreat or threaten him to come back; he knew this was because they would not expect him to have listened. He knew, as the sun’s heat embraced his ears, burning out the fading, effervescent cries of home that during the succeeding minutes, hours, years his father would accuse his mother of having brought defective genes into the family, and his mother would retort to her majaz-i-Khuda, the life of her heart, that it would not have been possible to pollute the blood of his people, since their blood had already been dirtier than a Muzaffarabad cesspool. Love among the peasants was like that, mused Salman Ishaq (or ‘Sal’, as he was known outside of his home and his hundred-strong brathery, though his parents and all of the aunties remained in total ignorance – blissful, perhaps – of this almost Roman and hence porcine nickname). He slackened his stride, allowing his long, Reebok’d legs to spring up and down on the quivering asphalt. White on black. Sal was fair-skinned, almost white – in any other country except Caledonia he would’ve been white, say Italy for example, or Espana or Portugal, or Greece or? he cursed his luck for ending up in this country of wallpaper-blond people. He cursed his parents. Fuckin ignorant peasants. Knew how to milk a coo and shit in the fields (and, he admitted begrudgingly, how tae run a Carry-out Off-licence), but when it came to knowin where they were at, he chuckled with a thoroughly blond glee, they didnae have a clue, no a fuckin clue. The group of lads he was following were also running, though not as fast and so he was able tae cover the ground rapidly and would soon be up with them. After aw, that wis why he had dropped his duster in the first place (an in several other places, too) symbol as it wis ae servitude fuck, he wisnae hovin that, his fellow-gang members seein him mop a fuckin flaer. No way. In the distance, their bandannas darted up and down, dun specks amid the gleaming bodies of cars. They were weaving in and out, darting between the moving vehicles, making them stop altogether at times, and then they’d be up onto the pavement and then back into the swim of the road. He could hear their shouts and the curses of the motorists, and began to feel the pulse in his chest grow stronger, impelling him to join them, to orgasm in vandal with the gang. Some of the drivers were shouting through rolled-down glass, swearing in Punjabi as well as in English, both at his pals up ahead and now also at him, too as he began darting in diamond formation, following in the hot tracks of the gang. Halfway down Albert Drive, he caught up with his comrades, and slapped Ali on the shooder.

    ‘Hey, bhen-chaud! What’s up?’ Ali shouted in smiles.

    They exchanged Bronx palm-slaps while from beneath the thick waves of August heat, a bass guitar thudded epileptiform rhythms, Bombay Dopplersahb spirals from an open-topped sportscar.

    Thunk!

    Roo-roo-roo-roo-roo

    Love me!

    Thunk!

    Roo-roo-roo-roo-roo

    Love me!

    They started off again, the three of them, impelled by the insistent thrum of the music in their ears.

    As the Gang ran on, the shopkeepers moved in glue, hardly noticing them as they whooped past. They lived in a different time, another place. The dhokandaars were strung on the drone of a sarod, they pulsed to the rhythms of a different beat, a beat of the seasons, of the peasant calendar, of monsoon into dry and dry into monsoon. They knew nothing of white water, or of white women. They slunk along the fields of their gao’s, happy only to be a little more than serfs. They asked for nothing else. Would have seen it as presumptuous, in another man’s country. Sal felt a buzz in his brain. He was on the runnin-board, and they were pedestrians.

    They reached the end of the street. Ahead lay the Tramway, a theatre which none of them had ever been in, not even when the Mela had been there. The Mela wis jis fur kids and cooncillurs. Sal and his dosts preferred machines to people. They were noisy, irascible, silicon-based like Michael Jackson. They’d play the robots for hours, not bothering whether they won or lost, not caring about the game. Just moving into the beat of chip upon chip, a twitch of the film-star thigh, the hot shoulder shuffle. They were on the film-set, they were living in total. There were no spaces in their existence. No gaps of silence. The Gang turned west, away fae the Mosques, towards Maxwell Park. That’s where they were heidet. To the pond, and the trees. To muck up the quiet. To fill it wi gouts ae Bhangra and Baissee. They skatit past the tenement closes, each one a blink in the Gang’s eye. The sound of generations carved into each corniced ceiling. Flip back: Sal, in the gao. Or, to be more accurate, in Azaad-Kashmir, the Land of Freedom. His family’s land, earth-brown like their skins (not like Sal’s, though), old blood, like the tenement stone. But Sal was another kind of Azaadi. Another hybrid. His was a freedom-within-freedom. A distant, grainy monochrome of greased colonials. Sal, formed between the dots of white and black, somewhere in the invisible alchemical mix flooding through the paper. Long before his conception, Sal was there in the deep line of Partition, in the slime cartridge hate of the one for the other. Peel back the layer, the snakeskin deceptions of Poonch, now in Occupied Kashmir previously in Dogra-land, before that, a gleam in the eye of the Great Mughal, and back, beyond the photoframe, through the nastaliq of dynasties, swimming through the hot sperm of a thousand, to Sikander, Conqueror of the World. Fast-forward: Sal an The Gang. The Black Bandannas. Black, because it made their faces look whiter. Italian, almost. Or Spanish, or Portuguese, or anything. As opposed tae the Kinning Park boys. As opposed tae ?

    The Uni-bastards

    The Mosquers

    The Khans

    and The Rest.

    They were all small-time, forming and disbanding from one year to the next in tenuous hierarchies of slang and spittle. Transient allegiances like in the Games, the video-shop computer games. Nothing was static. Life was movement, juddering, twitching, filmi-star movement. Peasant to refugee, refugee to kisaan; emigrant to immigrant, Paki tae dhokandaar; shopkeeper tae gang-member. Sal slowed to a walking pace. The swagger of the multitudes. Zafar lit a cigarette, handed the pack roon. Puffin draws, they got their breath back.

    ‘Where’re we gan?’ Ali asked. Ali wis a Shia. Less than a human being, according tae the shitfaced cunt in the Bookshop.

    ‘The Park,’ Zafar replied, brusquely.

    Ali curled his lip.

    ‘The Park’s borin. Ah dinnae want tae go thir.’

    ‘You shut the fuck up, arsehole.’

    Ali shut up. He knew his place in the Gang, and that was as its arsehole. Zafar was its head, its brains, its brigadier (unlike Pakistan, the gangs did not have more brigadiers than sergeants).

    ‘What’ll we do there? In the Park.’ Sal asked, measuring his words, levelling them down into the shape of an unobtrusive wheatfield.

    ‘Sit, smoke, watch the burds. Tear the trees doon.’

    ‘Tear the trees? What the fuck for?’

    ‘Why the fuck, not?’

    Sal shrugged. Zafar was a line ae crack on black. Clear-cut and paagal. Sal wished he could be like that. As they walked along Darnley Street, Sal spotted a group of girls approaching from the opposite direction. They were growing like breasts, and he recognised wan ae his cousins amongst them and began tae hurl abuse as soon as he thought they might be within earshot. Not before. There was nothin more embarrassin than swearin at someone, and they couldnae fuckin hear you. The girls did hear it, and flung it right back, and the interchange continued as the two groups passed each other as though through a mirror and moved gradually out of earshot again. She had long, black hair, his cousin and he watched her swing it as she swore. Swung it around legs which he had never seen, but which he had often imagined as long, sinuous, soft, enticing? Fuckin bitch. He watched her as she disappeared around the corner. An imprint on his eyelids, and an ache in his groin. He blinked, and she was gone. But not the ache. The swollen throbbing expanded like Pakistan from the ‘plane, and became a marriage ceremony. A man-in-a-mask, the elephant’s vision. A bride, weeping tears through a waranteed hymen.

    He blinked, hard. Blood scarlet.

    Ali jabbed him in the ribs. Raised his thick, black eyebrows.

    ‘Randy bastart.’

    ‘No way. No fuckin way, man.’

    Ali shook his head, his lop-sided, peasant’s skull.

    ‘When the time comes?’

    ‘It’ll nivir come.’

    ‘Nae mair white burds, wi thur wide open cunts askin fur it, a glais ae vodka an their yours, nae matter how black ya are. Jis feed them enough booze an dope, an they’ll screw you and thank you fur it.’

    ‘At least ah get them.’

    That shut him up. Ali. Him, wi his big bug-eyes. Too big. They saw too much. They’d get him intae trouble, wan ae these days. Parso, they’d fuck him up, doon an sideeways. He remembered a thin white cow he’d screwed last month. The feel ae her anorexic thigh-joins. Bone on bone. Jag-mairks. They’d huv tae be stoned tae fuck a Paki. And then, only fur blue-backs. He began tae harden. Hated himsel. Puffed on his ciggie. It had gan oot.

    ‘Goa match?’ he asked Zafar.

    Zafar didn’t answer.

    Silent bastart, thought Sal and he flung the ciggie doon, killin its corpse wi a stroke ae his trainer.

    You’ll smoke your life away

    his mother had said. So many fuckin times. Like, they nivir said onyhin original, like there wis nuhin new in them. Nivir hud been. Jis work, work an work, like it wis the only thing in life. Kaam, kaam, kaam. Fuckin peasants. He wisnae in that trap. Gangstas were ootside ae aw that crap. They were on the border. Alang the silent razor. Between the dots. Sepia, again. Short-haired men with wives. Babies, dead- already. Visions of the past, of past lives. A long, Hindu cacophony. Sal laughed, inside of himself. He would never be born as a shopkeeper. Better, a dog. At least you got tae fuck freely. Or a mullah. Just sit in the mosque, and take money. Blue-backs. Grow a beard and never, ever smile. An easy job, really. One day, maybe. An image of a large bonfire. The Gangs, all throwing their bandannas into the flames. Black, red, blue. Even the Kinning Park Boys. All sprouting long, gray beards and adopting a bow-legged walk. The bonfire spread, and burned away the image.

    And what’s behind it?

    Sal the Gangsta asked Salman Ishaq Sahb the Mohlvi.

    Wagging his well-muscled finger, Ishaq Sahb gave the answer:

    Behind every image, there is always a jagirdaar. Just as (he went on) in every Coca-Cola tin there is a naked Amrikan slut, her legs overhanging the metal ?

    OK, OK Sal the Gangsta cut in, a little embarrassed, but what aboot ma Irn Bru tin?

    The Mullah did not understand. In England, all tins were the same, he intimated. Just being a tin, was enough. More than enough. Just thinking about a can might even be sufficient.

    But how could he know, Sal thought, unless he too, had been there, into the metal, between the jag-scarred thighs of the slut and had swum around (beard, frown-and-all) in the great fizzy vacuum of the West. Of Amrika, of Glasgee. The mullahs were all Amrikan agents. See-Eye-Aye. Everyone knew that. Even his father knew that, fur fuck’s sake.

    Now they were passin the Safeway, an there the pretty cars aw row’d up like obedient schoolkids. Only they weren’t learnin onyhin. The Great White Superstores, stolid bastions thrown in a ring aroon the city. His father often railed against the toilet-friendly conglomerates, saying that they’d milk the small shopkeeper dry. And what did loag want, Khuda-ke liye, a local, living-room sized dhokaan with you know a friendly face, or a giant metal aircraft hanger? What wus the future for our people in this country? He sounded like a guardian of the tiny units of commerce which Bonaparte had faced, ranged in bared teeth shopfronts along the white, Doverine cliffs of Albert Drive. And they were the new Napoleons, the massive brick battleships, the Safeways, the Sainsburys, the ASDAS besieging Glasgee, attacking Scola, runnin thur damned South American produce right intae the khanas of his ane bratherie. Apples ae Shaitan. The Gang chased past the trees of knowledge which burgeoned in the spacey grounds of the Hutcheson’s Grammar Schule, the in-vitro incubator of budding intellectuals. Where any parents who needed their kids as fuel for the already bulging middle classes that stuck society together sent their offspring. So many went there, and fucked up. Cause they’d rather rave, than save. Salman had never aspired to a hood-and-gown. Maybe it was his parents’ fault. Their lack of ambition. They’d rather he work in the shop. But then wasn’t everything their fault? Comin here in the first place. Runnin a fuckin Paki-shop. That wis what they were seen as. Could’ve worn top hats an tails, an owned hauf the city, an they’d still have been Pakis. He hated it. Never, never wanted to be a shopkeeper. Had missed out on learnin. Jis wanted tae be in a Gang, an tae shout. Tae scream in blood and bhangra.

    Boom-thaka-thaka-thaka-thaka-thaka

    Boom-thaka-thaka-thaka-thaka-thaka

    Boom-thaka-thaka-thaka-thaka-thaka

    The harsh, Jullundri consonants cut his flesh in slashes of kirpaan; it felt good; upon their blade would his skin grow calloused, hard. Nothing would hurt him. No words. No actions. Sticks and stones would shatter on his body. And still, he would sing-dance the juddering figure beat, the blood music of exile. The black slaves had bled in blue: R ‘n’ R, hip-hop, reggae; and now the sons of Swastika-daubed Paki-shop owners would disembowel the air in syncopation. Together, with night torches, they would fire the Swastikas and in the fractured air, would spin them round in great wheels up and down the streets of Glasgow. And they would feed the skinheads of Ibrox, the white trash tattoo of Penilee into the great, burning cunt of Mata Kali where five thousand firewheels spun time. Hindu symbols – yes! His parents would have been mortified to hear him thinking that way. But fuck it. They couldnae hear him thinking, no ony mair. It wis aw mixed up, onyway. Sikh Bhangra, Mussalmaan Qawal, Hindu Raag-Bhajan-Khayals? Black Blues, it all swirled together and spumed into a river of Techno-Rave Brummie Beat. And the Gang would rubber-dance in the Victorian park among the trees, the ducks, the water, the shouts of children. Amidst the summer leaves, they would make music, and war.

    They leapt over the jagged fence and into the Park. The smell of grass, cut skin-short. Roses like the lips of courtesans, drawing out the sex act into a stream of notes.

    Meri naam Jaan-ki-bai hai

    Meri naam Gauhar Jaan

    They half-ran down an incline and tumbled together in a heap near the bottom. Mothers were pushing prams, the wheels of which always seemed to go uphill. Children played with small boats and old folk simply sat in lines on benches, as though waiting their turn. Salman closed his eyes. Goldfish noises ?

    He felt a fist in his belly, enough to provoke but not to seriously wind him. He turned, and caught another on the jaw. His head buzzed as he threw his arms outward to grapple with his opponent. Got a hold of his waist, and didnae let go. Salman and Zafar wrestled on the grass, rolling and screaming. Ali leapt in, and his extra weight had the effect of pressing down on Salman’s chest so that he wasn’t able to move, and could hardly breathe. Was not able to say, Enough’s enough, lads. Get aff noo. Wasn’y sure they would’ve listened, anyway. The sun was streaming into his eyes and he could feel its golden brilliance flood through the coils of his brain. He could hear time run backwards through the veins of trees, moving always anti-clockwise in a broad tape-loop

    Kull ?

    Solitude

    Meri awaz suno, mujhe azad karo

    Kull ?

    Masks

    Chunnae ud ud’ jae, guth kul kul jae

    Kull ?

    Death is not dying

    Achintya bheda bheda Tattva

    Kull ?

    Light

    Kinna Sohna tainu, Rub nay banaya

    Kull ? C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    And Salman Ishaq was floating, downstream, in tears of noor.

    Allah-hu

    Allah-hu

    Allah-hu

    Inhale Allah Exhale Hu

    Inhale Allah Exhale Hu

    Inhale Allah Exhale Hu

    Allah-hu

    Allah-hu

    Allah-hu

    He realised he was able to breathe again. His neck felt stiff. They had got off his chest and were lying, breathless, beside him. They were basking in the sun’s warmth (this too, would’ve been unthinkable), half-watching the delicate slivers of light pour down on the park. They had noticed nothing. Would not have cared. They were true Gangstas. For a moment, he felt a rush of pride in being a part of the Black Bandannas – soon, he too, would be capable of feeling nothing – but it passed and left him empty. He looked away from them and just lay there, letting the backs of his fingers rest upon the short, fine blades of grass. The sun filled his eyes, making them sting and water but he did not allow the lids to close. He began to grow blind and it occurred to him that one day, not too far in the future, it would be his fingers that would be pushing up the grass and that what he thought, felt, did, created during that minuscule pause in his fate might live beyond him, his family, the tribe to which he happened to belong and that the only constant in the whole of Maxwell Park – the trees, the birds, the water, the kids – the only beat that pumped all other rhythms, was the beat of love. Salman took a deep breath, the deepest he’d ever taken, it filled parts of his lungs which had never before breathed, not even at the moment of his birth. He felt a great swell of happiness explode infinitely slowly from the centre of his being. His love spread across the grass, the trees, the trunks of dead elephants and returned to him sevenfold

    And in the end,

    When the music’s over

    There is only love

    The drone behind it all was the note, c, right there in the soul of his brain. He felt its smooth curves, the walls of a tunnel on the way to heaven. And there it was, in the very coils of paradise. He followed a bird as it coursed along the sky. He sat up. Ripping off his bandanna, he ran his fingers through his long hair. Felt free. Wanted to leap into the pond, and swim. Desired the cool, green gown of its depth. From far across the city, Salman heard the Azaan, carried upriver on currents of music. Rolling his bandanna out onto the grass, he faced towards Gorbals Cross and began to pray.

    Glossary . .

    Azaad Kashmir

    bhen-chaud

    brathery

    dhokaan

    dhokandaar

    gao

    haraam zaada

    hud

    haraamjagirdaar

    Jullunder

    khanas

    Khuda-ke-liye

    kisaan

    mela.

    methi

    paagal

    pars.

    Sikander -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    - Free Kashmir

    sister-fucker

    blood relatives

    shop

    shop-keeper

    village

    bastard

    useless person (literally, ‘bad bones’)

    big Punjabi landowner

    city in (Indian) Punjab

    rooms

    for God’s sake!

    farmer

    festival

    fenugreek

    crazy

    the day after tomorrow

    Alexander

    ? 2001 Suhayl Saadi

    This story may not be archived, reproduced or distributed further without the author’s express permission. Please see our conditions of use.

  75. Suhayl Saadi

    31 Jul, 2010 - 10:19 pm

    Is that ‘fight or flight’, Neil?

    Ben Newsam, let the good people say hello to you too:

    ben.newsam@ukonline.co.uk

    Have a lovely weekend, Ben.

  76. Neil Barker

    31 Jul, 2010 - 10:23 pm

    Suhayl Saadi had been dusting for nearly half-an-hour but it felt like his whole life. The shop was becoming unbearably warm. Its lemon walls were beginning to crowd in on him, so that he felt soon he would be crushed beneath their dull, yellow weight. The air was stifling, dead and yet he seemed to need great gulps of it. He felt that he would begin to expand like an overfed goldfish and would burst through the shelves, the plaster, the broken clock. He forced his right hand to continue wiping dust off the mica counter while with his left, he adjusted the knot of his bandanna. Somewhere at his back, his parents busied themselves as they always had, all their lives. Busy, busy, busy.

    The sounds of running and shouting shifted from the street in through the open doorway, disturbing the suffocating rhythm of the morning. Plastic on tarmac. Spittle. The big sky. Sal recognised the voices, and his heart leapt, then felt empty. As the lads ran past the burning glass, Salman Ishaq allowed the duster to fall from his hand. He watched it cut a delicate, slightly imperfect trajectory through the methi air and then ran out of his father’s shop to shrieks of

    ‘Haraam zaada! Five minutes work, and he’s done? Hud haraam. Useless bastard!’

    They did not beckon, entreat or threaten him to come back; he knew this was because they would not expect him to have listened. He knew, as the sun’s heat embraced his ears, burning out the fading, effervescent cries of home that during the succeeding minutes, hours, years his father would accuse his mother of having brought defective genes into the family, and his mother would retort to her majaz-i-Khuda, the life of her heart, that it would not have been possible to pollute the blood of his people, since their blood had already been dirtier than a Muzaffarabad cesspool. Love among the peasants was like that, mused Salman Ishaq (or ‘Sal’, as he was known outside of his home and his hundred-strong brathery, though his parents and all of the aunties remained in total ignorance – blissful, perhaps – of this almost Roman and hence porcine nickname). He slackened his stride, allowing his long, Reebok’d legs to spring up and down on the quivering asphalt. White on black. Sal was fair-skinned, almost white – in any other country except Caledonia he would’ve been white, say Italy for example, or Espana or Portugal, or Greece or? he cursed his luck for ending up in this country of wallpaper-blond people. He cursed his parents. Fuckin ignorant peasants. Knew how to milk a coo and shit in the fields (and, he admitted begrudgingly, how tae run a Carry-out Off-licence), but when it came to knowin where they were at, he chuckled with a thoroughly blond glee, they didnae have a clue, no a fuckin clue. The group of lads he was following were also running, though not as fast and so he was able tae cover the ground rapidly and would soon be up with them. After aw, that wis why he had dropped his duster in the first place (an in several other places, too) symbol as it wis ae servitude fuck, he wisnae hovin that, his fellow-gang members seein him mop a fuckin flaer. No way. In the distance, their bandannas darted up and down, dun specks amid the gleaming bodies of cars. They were weaving in and out, darting between the moving vehicles, making them stop altogether at times, and then they’d be up onto the pavement and then back into the swim of the road. He could hear their shouts and the curses of the motorists, and began to feel the pulse in his chest grow stronger, impelling him to join them, to orgasm in vandal with the gang. Some of the drivers were shouting through rolled-down glass, swearing in Punjabi as well as in English, both at his pals up ahead and now also at him, too as he began darting in diamond formation, following in the hot tracks of the gang. Halfway down Albert Drive, he caught up with his comrades, and slapped Ali on the shooder.

    ‘Hey, bhen-chaud! What’s up?’ Ali shouted in smiles.

    They exchanged Bronx palm-slaps while from beneath the thick waves of August heat, a bass guitar thudded epileptiform rhythms, Bombay Dopplersahb spirals from an open-topped sportscar.

    Thunk!

    Roo-roo-roo-roo-roo

    Love me!

    Thunk!

    Roo-roo-roo-roo-roo

    Love me!

    They started off again, the three of them, impelled by the insistent thrum of the music in their ears.

    As the Gang ran on, the shopkeepers moved in glue, hardly noticing them as they whooped past. They lived in a different time, another place. The dhokandaars were strung on the drone of a sarod, they pulsed to the rhythms of a different beat, a beat of the seasons, of the peasant calendar, of monsoon into dry and dry into monsoon. They knew nothing of white water, or of white women. They slunk along the fields of their gao’s, happy only to be a little more than serfs. They asked for nothing else. Would have seen it as presumptuous, in another man’s country. Sal felt a buzz in his brain. He was on the runnin-board, and they were pedestrians.

    They reached the end of the street. Ahead lay the Tramway, a theatre which none of them had ever been in, not even when the Mela had been there. The Mela wis jis fur kids and cooncillurs. Sal and his dosts preferred machines to people. They were noisy, irascible, silicon-based like Michael Jackson. They’d play the robots for hours, not bothering whether they won or lost, not caring about the game. Just moving into the beat of chip upon chip, a twitch of the film-star thigh, the hot shoulder shuffle. They were on the film-set, they were living in total. There were no spaces in their existence. No gaps of silence. The Gang turned west, away fae the Mosques, towards Maxwell Park. That’s where they were heidet. To the pond, and the trees. To muck up the quiet. To fill it wi gouts ae Bhangra and Baissee. They skatit past the tenement closes, each one a blink in the Gang’s eye. The sound of generations carved into each corniced ceiling. Flip back: Sal, in the gao. Or, to be more accurate, in Azaad-Kashmir, the Land of Freedom. His family’s land, earth-brown like their skins (not like Sal’s, though), old blood, like the tenement stone. But Sal was another kind of Azaadi. Another hybrid. His was a freedom-within-freedom. A distant, grainy monochrome of greased colonials. Sal, formed between the dots of white and black, somewhere in the invisible alchemical mix flooding through the paper. Long before his conception, Sal was there in the deep line of Partition, in the slime cartridge hate of the one for the other. Peel back the layer, the snakeskin deceptions of Poonch, now in Occupied Kashmir previously in Dogra-land, before that, a gleam in the eye of the Great Mughal, and back, beyond the photoframe, through the nastaliq of dynasties, swimming through the hot sperm of a thousand, to Sikander, Conqueror of the World. Fast-forward: Sal an The Gang. The Black Bandannas. Black, because it made their faces look whiter. Italian, almost. Or Spanish, or Portuguese, or anything. As opposed tae the Kinning Park boys. As opposed tae ?

    The Uni-bastards

    The Mosquers

    The Khans

    and The Rest.

    They were all small-time, forming and disbanding from one year to the next in tenuous hierarchies of slang and spittle. Transient allegiances like in the Games, the video-shop computer games. Nothing was static. Life was movement, juddering, twitching, filmi-star movement. Peasant to refugee, refugee to kisaan; emigrant to immigrant, Paki tae dhokandaar; shopkeeper tae gang-member. Sal slowed to a walking pace. The swagger of the multitudes. Zafar lit a cigarette, handed the pack roon. Puffin draws, they got their breath back.

    ‘Where’re we gan?’ Ali asked. Ali wis a Shia. Less than a human being, according tae the shitfaced cunt in the Bookshop.

    ‘The Park,’ Zafar replied, brusquely.

    Ali curled his lip.

    ‘The Park’s borin. Ah dinnae want tae go thir.’

    ‘You shut the fuck up, arsehole.’

    Ali shut up. He knew his place in the Gang, and that was as its arsehole. Zafar was its head, its brains, its brigadier (unlike Pakistan, the gangs did not have more brigadiers than sergeants).

    ‘What’ll we do there? In the Park.’ Sal asked, measuring his words, levelling them down into the shape of an unobtrusive wheatfield.

    ‘Sit, smoke, watch the burds. Tear the trees doon.’

    ‘Tear the trees? What the fuck for?’

    ‘Why the fuck, not?’

    Sal shrugged. Zafar was a line ae crack on black. Clear-cut and paagal. Sal wished he could be like that. As they walked along Darnley Street, Sal spotted a group of girls approaching from the opposite direction. They were growing like breasts, and he recognised wan ae his cousins amongst them and began tae hurl abuse as soon as he thought they might be within earshot. Not before. There was nothin more embarrassin than swearin at someone, and they couldnae fuckin hear you. The girls did hear it, and flung it right back, and the interchange continued as the two groups passed each other as though through a mirror and moved gradually out of earshot again. She had long, black hair, his cousin and he watched her swing it as she swore. Swung it around legs which he had never seen, but which he had often imagined as long, sinuous, soft, enticing? Fuckin bitch. He watched her as she disappeared around the corner. An imprint on his eyelids, and an ache in his groin. He blinked, and she was gone. But not the ache. The swollen throbbing expanded like Pakistan from the ‘plane, and became a marriage ceremony. A man-in-a-mask, the elephant’s vision. A bride, weeping tears through a waranteed hymen.

    He blinked, hard. Blood scarlet.

    Ali jabbed him in the ribs. Raised his thick, black eyebrows.

    ‘Randy bastart.’

    ‘No way. No fuckin way, man.’

    Ali shook his head, his lop-sided, peasant’s skull.

    ‘When the time comes?’

    ‘It’ll nivir come.’

    ‘Nae mair white burds, wi thur wide open cunts askin fur it, a glais ae vodka an their yours, nae matter how black ya are. Jis feed them enough booze an dope, an they’ll screw you and thank you fur it.’

    ‘At least ah get them.’

    That shut him up. Ali. Him, wi his big bug-eyes. Too big. They saw too much. They’d get him intae trouble, wan ae these days. Parso, they’d fuck him up, doon an sideeways. He remembered a thin white cow he’d screwed last month. The feel ae her anorexic thigh-joins. Bone on bone. Jag-mairks. They’d huv tae be stoned tae fuck a Paki. And then, only fur blue-backs. He began tae harden. Hated himsel. Puffed on his ciggie. It had gan oot.

    ‘Goa match?’ he asked Zafar.

    Zafar didn’t answer.

    Silent bastart, thought Sal and he flung the ciggie doon, killin its corpse wi a stroke ae his trainer.

    You’ll smoke your life away

    his mother had said. So many fuckin times. Like, they nivir said onyhin original, like there wis nuhin new in them. Nivir hud been. Jis work, work an work, like it wis the only thing in life. Kaam, kaam, kaam. Fuckin peasants. He wisnae in that trap. Gangstas were ootside ae aw that crap. They were on the border. Alang the silent razor. Between the dots. Sepia, again. Short-haired men with wives. Babies, dead- already. Visions of the past, of past lives. A long, Hindu cacophony. Sal laughed, inside of himself. He would never be born as a shopkeeper. Better, a dog. At least you got tae fuck freely. Or a mullah. Just sit in the mosque, and take money. Blue-backs. Grow a beard and never, ever smile. An easy job, really. One day, maybe. An image of a large bonfire. The Gangs, all throwing their bandannas into the flames. Black, red, blue. Even the Kinning Park Boys. All sprouting long, gray beards and adopting a bow-legged walk. The bonfire spread, and burned away the image.

    And what’s behind it?

    Sal the Gangsta asked Salman Ishaq Sahb the Mohlvi.

    Wagging his well-muscled finger, Ishaq Sahb gave the answer:

    Behind every image, there is always a jagirdaar. Just as (he went on) in every Coca-Cola tin there is a naked Amrikan slut, her legs overhanging the metal ?

    OK, OK Sal the Gangsta cut in, a little embarrassed, but what aboot ma Irn Bru tin?

    The Mullah did not understand. In England, all tins were the same, he intimated. Just being a tin, was enough. More than enough. Just thinking about a can might even be sufficient.

    But how could he know, Sal thought, unless he too, had been there, into the metal, between the jag-scarred thighs of the slut and had swum around (beard, frown-and-all) in the great fizzy vacuum of the West. Of Amrika, of Glasgee. The mullahs were all Amrikan agents. See-Eye-Aye. Everyone knew that. Even his father knew that, fur fuck’s sake.

    Now they were passin the Safeway, an there the pretty cars aw row’d up like obedient schoolkids. Only they weren’t learnin onyhin. The Great White Superstores, stolid bastions thrown in a ring aroon the city. His father often railed against the toilet-friendly conglomerates, saying that they’d milk the small shopkeeper dry. And what did loag want, Khuda-ke liye, a local, living-room sized dhokaan with you know a friendly face, or a giant metal aircraft hanger? What wus the future for our people in this country? He sounded like a guardian of the tiny units of commerce which Bonaparte had faced, ranged in bared teeth shopfronts along the white, Doverine cliffs of Albert Drive. And they were the new Napoleons, the massive brick battleships, the Safeways, the Sainsburys, the ASDAS besieging Glasgee, attacking Scola, runnin thur damned South American produce right intae the khanas of his ane bratherie. Apples ae Shaitan. The Gang chased past the trees of knowledge which burgeoned in the spacey grounds of the Hutcheson’s Grammar Schule, the in-vitro incubator of budding intellectuals. Where any parents who needed their kids as fuel for the already bulging middle classes that stuck society together sent their offspring. So many went there, and fucked up. Cause they’d rather rave, than save. Salman had never aspired to a hood-and-gown. Maybe it was his parents’ fault. Their lack of ambition. They’d rather he work in the shop. But then wasn’t everything their fault? Comin here in the first place. Runnin a fuckin Paki-shop. That wis what they were seen as. Could’ve worn top hats an tails, an owned hauf the city, an they’d still have been Pakis. He hated it. Never, never wanted to be a shopkeeper. Had missed out on learnin. Jis wanted tae be in a Gang, an tae shout. Tae scream in blood and bhangra.

    Boom-thaka-thaka-thaka-thaka-thaka

    Boom-thaka-thaka-thaka-thaka-thaka

    Boom-thaka-thaka-thaka-thaka-thaka

    The harsh, Jullundri consonants cut his flesh in slashes of kirpaan; it felt good; upon their blade would his skin grow calloused, hard. Nothing would hurt him. No words. No actions. Sticks and stones would shatter on his body. And still, he would sing-dance the juddering figure beat, the blood music of exile. The black slaves had bled in blue: R ‘n’ R, hip-hop, reggae; and now the sons of Swastika-daubed Paki-shop owners would disembowel the air in syncopation. Together, with night torches, they would fire the Swastikas and in the fractured air, would spin them round in great wheels up and down the streets of Glasgow. And they would feed the skinheads of Ibrox, the white trash tattoo of Penilee into the great, burning cunt of Mata Kali where five thousand firewheels spun time. Hindu symbols – yes! His parents would have been mortified to hear him thinking that way. But fuck it. They couldnae hear him thinking, no ony mair. It wis aw mixed up, onyway. Sikh Bhangra, Mussalmaan Qawal, Hindu Raag-Bhajan-Khayals? Black Blues, it all swirled together and spumed into a river of Techno-Rave Brummie Beat. And the Gang would rubber-dance in the Victorian park among the trees, the ducks, the water, the shouts of children. Amidst the summer leaves, they would make music, and war.

    They leapt over the jagged fence and into the Park. The smell of grass, cut skin-short. Roses like the lips of courtesans, drawing out the sex act into a stream of notes.

    Meri naam Jaan-ki-bai hai

    Meri naam Gauhar Jaan

    They half-ran down an incline and tumbled together in a heap near the bottom. Mothers were pushing prams, the wheels of which always seemed to go uphill. Children played with small boats and old folk simply sat in lines on benches, as though waiting their turn. Salman closed his eyes. Goldfish noises ?

    He felt a fist in his belly, enough to provoke but not to seriously wind him. He turned, and caught another on the jaw. His head buzzed as he threw his arms outward to grapple with his opponent. Got a hold of his waist, and didnae let go. Salman and Zafar wrestled on the grass, rolling and screaming. Ali leapt in, and his extra weight had the effect of pressing down on Salman’s chest so that he wasn’t able to move, and could hardly breathe. Was not able to say, Enough’s enough, lads. Get aff noo. Wasn’y sure they would’ve listened, anyway. The sun was streaming into his eyes and he could feel its golden brilliance flood through the coils of his brain. He could hear time run backwards through the veins of trees, moving always anti-clockwise in a broad tape-loop

    Kull ?

    Solitude

    Meri awaz suno, mujhe azad karo

    Kull ?

    Masks

    Chunnae ud ud’ jae, guth kul kul jae

    Kull ?

    Death is not dying

    Achintya bheda bheda Tattva

    Kull ?

    Light

    Kinna Sohna tainu, Rub nay banaya

    Kull ? C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    C

    And Salman Ishaq was floating, downstream, in tears of noor.

    Allah-hu

    Allah-hu

    Allah-hu

    Inhale Allah Exhale Hu

    Inhale Allah Exhale Hu

    Inhale Allah Exhale Hu

    Allah-hu

    Allah-hu

    Allah-hu

    He realised he was able to breathe again. His neck felt stiff. They had got off his chest and were lying, breathless, beside him. They were basking in the sun’s warmth (this too, would’ve been unthinkable), half-watching the delicate slivers of light pour down on the park. They had noticed nothing. Would not have cared. They were true Gangstas. For a moment, he felt a rush of pride in being a part of the Black Bandannas – soon, he too, would be capable of feeling nothing – but it passed and left him empty. He looked away from them and just lay there, letting the backs of his fingers rest upon the short, fine blades of grass. The sun filled his eyes, making them sting and water but he did not allow the lids to close. He began to grow blind and it occurred to him that one day, not too far in the future, it would be his fingers that would be pushing up the grass and that what he thought, felt, did, created during that minuscule pause in his fate might live beyond him, his family, the tribe to which he happened to belong and that the only constant in the whole of Maxwell Park – the trees, the birds, the water, the kids – the only beat that pumped all other rhythms, was the beat of love. Salman took a deep breath, the deepest he’d ever taken, it filled parts of his lungs which had never before breathed, not even at the moment of his birth. He felt a great swell of happiness explode infinitely slowly from the centre of his being. His love spread across the grass, the trees, the trunks of dead elephants and returned to him sevenfold

    And in the end,

    When the music’s over

    There is only love

    The drone behind it all was the note, c, right there in the soul of his brain. He felt its smooth curves, the walls of a tunnel on the way to heaven. And there it was, in the very coils of paradise. He followed a bird as it coursed along the sky. He sat up. Ripping off his bandanna, he ran his fingers through his long hair. Felt free. Wanted to leap into the pond, and swim. Desired the cool, green gown of its depth. From far across the city, Salman heard the Azaan, carried upriver on currents of music. Rolling his bandanna out onto the grass, he faced towards Gorbals Cross and began to pray.

    Glossary . .

    Azaad Kashmir

    bhen-chaud

    brathery

    dhokaan

    dhokandaar

    gao

    haraam zaada

    hud

    haraamjagirdaar

    Jullunder

    khanas

    Khuda-ke-liye

    kisaan

    mela.

    methi

    paagal

    pars.

    Sikander -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    -

    - Free Kashmir

    sister-fucker

    blood relatives

    shop

    shop-keeper

    village

    bastard

    useless person (literally, ‘bad bones’)

    big Punjabi landowner

    city in (Indian) Punjab

    rooms

    for God’s sake!

    farmer

    festival

    fenugreek

    crazy

    the day after tomorrow

    Alexander

    ? 2001 Suhayl Saadi

    This story may not be archived, reproduced or distributed further without the author’s express permission. Please see our conditions of use.

  77. Suhayl Saadi

    31 Jul, 2010 - 10:33 pm

    Neil, you put your own name at the bottom of that post. The sub-eds would be very displeased.

    Look, mate, you’ve been exposed. Accept it, and leave and take your gang with you.

  78. Neil Barker

    31 Jul, 2010 - 10:35 pm

    Suhayl Saadi, you are a turd. Stop posting in my name.

    I did not post the 10:23 pm article.

  79. Neil Barker

    31 Jul, 2010 - 10:39 pm

    By God, Saadi, you do write a lot of shite.

  80. Suhayl Saadi

    31 Jul, 2010 - 10:49 pm

    http://www.burtonmail.co.uk/News/New-editor-for-the-Mail-appointed.htm

    Kevin Booth and Steve Lowe of The Burton Daily Mail, look like good men. Are they good to work with, Neil?

    If anyone wishes to contact the Burton Daily Mail with any newsworthy stories, their website has contact details. Here is their Picture Editor’s contact details, taken directly from their (publicly-available) website:

    neil.barker@burtonmail.co.uk

    I’m sure he’d love to hear from you.

  81. Suhayl Saadi

    31 Jul, 2010 - 10:52 pm

    Not me at 10:49 PM

  82. Suhayl Saadi

    31 Jul, 2010 - 10:55 pm

    Very much me at 10:49 PM.

    Scram.

  83. craig

    31 Jul, 2010 - 11:13 pm

    Nice webshite!

  84. ingo

    2 Aug, 2010 - 11:03 am

    webshite is just about the right description for such attempts to foul this website.

    Those of you who want Craig to sort things out, because they feel agrieved by some or toher comment, should realise that Craig has got toget his new shelter/palace, depends were you live in teh world, rewady for his family and the next winter, which limits his time at correcting the likes of Neil barking mad somewhat.

    Ramsgate will get done, hopefully before the next, third, great unpleasantness engulfs this globe of ours.

  85. Neil Barker

    2 Aug, 2010 - 5:33 pm

    See you in court, Suhayl.

    You really should check things before you libel me. And you most certainly have libelled me.

    Next time you’ll be more careful.

  86. craig

    4 Aug, 2010 - 12:46 pm

    Suhayl, lay off posting personal details until they have been certified bona fide, please

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