Yes Minister Fan Fiction 433

I have been rather unwell this last week with atrial fibrillation, and at 5am last Sunday morning had the paramedics out and puzzling over the ECG results. This particularly severe episode was a result of being out in the cold and storm for hours on the AUOB march, and I felt so guilty at being a self-inflicted drain on the NHS that I declined their offer to take me into hospital and decided to recover at home.

I did however get to thinking about whether, had I indeed toddled off on my next great adventure, I would regret holding information which I had not imparted to you. Well, I couldn’t in those circumstances regret not having imparted it as I would be deid, but you know what I mean. As it happened the thing I found I was most worried about not being able to impart was not, at least on its surface, a case of world sweeping importance, but rather of individual injustice. Though the surface often hides a great deal.

Anyway, having recovered I was saddened by the death of Derek Fowlds, who to me was always Mr Derek of Basil Brush. In fact I remember my confusion when Mr Derek replaced Mr Rodney, who I only learnt this week was in fact Rodney Bewes, another great comic actor of whose wider work I was at primary school unaware. Derek Fowlds of course became most famous in his brilliant role as Bernard in Yes Minister. Lying in bed getting better, I decided to while away the time by writing some Yes Minister fan fiction in tribute.

As with the original series, although based on a realistic civil service scenario dealing with similar events to those the civil service actually deals with, this conversation between a Minister and Permanent Secretary is purely fictional. No real situation is alluded to and any resemblance between the people and situations portrayed here and anything that is happening in real life is entirely accidental. Please do not attempt in the comments section to relate this entirely fictional hommage to Yes Minister to any actual events involving any actual court cases. Because you might wander into contempt of court.

This is of course my first Yes Minister effort.


Perm Sec. You see Minister, all you have to do is destroy your predecessor’s reputation. In the modern “Me Too” atmosphere, you accuse someone of sexual offences and politically they are finished. In fact you can do what you like to him.
Minister Like Julian Assange?
Perm Sec Exactly, Minister. Like Julian Assange. We yelled “rape” at him and then had to do nothing else. The left themselves destroyed him, led by the feminists of course. You see Minister, we feminists can be useful sometimes. (Canned Laughter)
Minister Yes, by the time they had finished with him, the government could torture him to death in plain sight and nobody cared.
Perm Sec Precisely Minister, and the hilarious thing was that there never was any rape and we never had to produce any evidence in court.
Minister Yes, brilliant. But it’s not an exact parallel with Orpheus though, is it Permanent Secretary? We don’t have any extradition request for Orpheus once any sexual charges fall.
Perm Sec The charges won’t fall, Minister, they won’t fall. We will get him found guilty.
Minister But he isn’t actually a rapist, you know. Not one of these incidents looks anything like rape. In fact they are all very flimsy. There isn’t one single independent witness and I don’t think any of them could be proven in court.
Perm Sec Please don’t worry yourself. It doesn’t matter, Minister. All we need is the word “rape” in the newspaper headlines. “Attempted rape” will do. You just tell the prosecutor to get the word out there, spread it in the media and Orpheus is finished.
Minister Even if he is not guilty?
Perm Sec He will be guilty. Whether he is guilty is irrelevant, he will be found guilty. This is where we use “more of”.
Minister “More of”?
Perm Sec Yes, “More of”. It’s not an official legal term, but all the lawyers know it as the oldest trick in the prosecutor’s book.
Minister What do you mean, Permanent Secretary?
Perm Sec Well look, we have the canoodling episode, the kiss in the office and a couple of suggestive remarks about sexy clothes.
Minister The sexy remarks are hardly illegal, are they?
Perm Sec Good God, Minister, what century are you in? (Canned Laughter). Sexual harassment, Minister. Kiss someone at the office party and tell someone else their figure looks good in that blouse, and you have established a pattern of behaviour. “More of” you see, Minister. The “more of” this stuff you throw, the better chance some of it will stick.
Minister But we don’t have that many instances. We went through absolutely everything. We had a team of 24 policemen working on it for 10 months and this was all we can find.
Perm Sec It is time to get creative then, Minister. We need more women to make allegations. In these circumstances it is always best to keep things close. Activate the women you know, Minister, activate the women you know.
Minister I don’t have that many friends, Permanent Secretary. I spend all my time reading books. (Canned Laughter).
Perm Sec Oh really, Minister, think. You must have some women very close to you.
Minister Well, there is Miss Barclay, my own Private Secretary.
Perm Sec Perfect, Minister perfect! Miss Barclay should be good for at least four allegations! Get her to say he tried to kiss her. Often.
Minister But surely nobody will believe my own Private Secretary – and she was involved in putting the dossier together and in discussions on handling the case. Nobody is going to believe her. And (gasps in horror) it really leads straight back to me being behind it, doesn’t it?
Perm Sec It can’t be traced back to you, Minister.
Minister Phew, that’s a relief. It can’t be traced back to me you say. How does that work?
Perm Sec Accuser anonymity, Minister.
Minister Accuser anon… oh yes! Oh yes! I am beginning to see!! They are sexual allegations so…
Perm Sec The identities of the accusers can be kept hidden by the court under penalty of severe jail sentences for anybody who reveals them so…
Minister …the accusers can just be my closest political cronies and the public will never be aware of that! That’s brilliant, Perm Sec!
Perm Sec Thank you, Minister (Canned Laughter)
Minister And thank God for that, because if the party faithful thought that I was trying to stitch up my predecessor they would have my guts for garters (Canned Laughter).
Perm Sec Heaven forfend, Minister!
Minister What? Oh too right. I was just thinking, Permanent Secretary, you know I am starting to get the hang of this. What about old Marmalade? He is very keen to get back into parliament and sees himself as a potential successor.
Perm Sec Marmalade? Well I suppose if we start adding in gay allegations, it does give a slightly more exotic tinge for the tabloids.
Minister I was thinking more of his wife, Permanent Secretary. If the old Marmalade family want a nice safe seat in the capital, let them do something to earn it.
Perm Sec Indeed, Minister. And is the wife not a former Special Adviser?
Minister Yes, is that a problem?
Perm Sec On the contrary, Minister. You see it is very useful. A SPAD is of course only a particularly spotty political hack whom politicians have conned the taxpayer into paying, but technically a SPAD is still a form of civil servant.
Minister Yes, and what of it?
Perm Sec Well, the words “civil servant” convey integrity, honesty and trustworthiness. (Canned laughter). We can leak to the tabloids that one of the accusers is a civil servant, and people will believe it must be genuine and independent. Very cunning idea if I may say so, Minister.
Minister Was it? Oh yes, I am cunning, aren’t I. (Canned laughter). But I still worry that none of the accusations is going to be individually convincing.
Perm Sec Doesn’t matter, Minister, doesn’t matter. Remember “More of”. Quantity not quality, Minister, quantity not quality. They don’t have to be individually convincing, just to give the impression of no smoke without fire.
Minister Oh well, I understand that now. In that case I can think of three or four more women very close to us indeed who can make allegations, if independence or credibility are not important and nobody will ever know who they were.
Perm Sec Volume is important, Minister, volume. It does not have to be heavy stuff. Just get them to allege an attempted kiss here, a brush of the hand on the bum as they were going out the door there.
Minister To build a pattern of behaviour.
Perm Sec Precisely, Minister, precisely. To build a pattern of behaviour. I see you have got it.
Minister But isn’t there a problem here, Permanent Secretary? If this man was a sexual predator on a large scale, there would be whispers for years and people in political circles would surely know. But he doesn’t have that reputation at all.
Perm Sec Don’t worry, Minister, he soon will have that reputation. (Canned Laughter). The media will believe it because we will tell them to believe it. And once the media believe something, the population will believe it too. Every politician has enemies, Minister, Orpheus more than most.
Minister But isn’t there a potential danger here, Permanent Secretary? I mean all of this is nonsense, so won’t he be acquitted and emerge possibly stronger than before?
Perm Sec Don’t worry, Minister, he won’t be acquitted. We have a legally invincible alliance on our side. “More of” is powerful, but “more of” combined with “home” becomes an irresistible force.
Minister (puzzled) “More of” and “home”.
Perm Sec Yes Minister. Answer me this. What does a jury want more than anything?
Minister To do justice?
Perm Sec Wrong, Minister, wrong. Home. A jury wants to go home. (Canned Laughter) Jurors are ripped away from their homes, jobs and families for weeks. At the end of it they are locked in a stuffy room with other jurors they don’t like, and not allowed to go home until they have all reached a verdict. So what do they do to reach agreement?
Minister Aaah, I see now. They compromise.
Perm Sec Exactly, Minister. They will compromise. It’s a natural human instinct to avoid conflict. There will be some people who think him totally innocent as nothing was individually proven, but there will be others who will think he must have done something wrong or there could not possibly be so many accusations. The power of “more of”. Of course they will chuck out the “attempted rape” very quickly as obvious nonsense. In the end they will find him not guilty on nearly all counts, but as a compromise will convict him of stroking someone’s hair, patting their bum or saying they look sexy.
Minister But surely he will hardly be jailed for that?
Perm Sec Doesn’t matter, Minister. “Rapist” will already be firmly printed on the public mind, and so long as we have the magic word “guilty” it does not matter what he is guilty of. And it can’t fail. With so many charges, the jury is simply bound to find him guilty of something so they can compromise and all go home.
Minister Brilliant, Permanent Secretary, brilliant.
Perm Sec Thank you.
Minister So that’s finally going to put a stake through his heart. No more Frank Sinatra comebacks and no more Quixotic campaigns chasing unicorns.
Perm Sec Yes, Minister.

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433 thoughts on “Yes Minister Fan Fiction

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  • Stu-Cam

    Brilliant, comedy can always be relied upon to make the most precise of incisions through deceit.


    • Tom Welsh

      That would be because you can’t “smash Google”. Like gravity and sin, it is here to stay.

      • Billy Brexit !

        Large corporations often self-destruct as the rot is on the inside – just be patient – time will do its work.

      • Stevie Boy

        Remember Pan Am ?
        For the IT literate, remember Digital Equipment Corporation (DEC) ?
        Remember Honesty ?

      • N_

        One thing is for sure – we need more clarity on what kind of thing Google is. It and its environment (i.e. the world) are way beyond Standard Oil, General Motors, IBM, Intel, and Microsoft. The left that had just about managed to build concepts such as “Fordism”, “Keynesianism, and “Toyotism”, is now adrift.

        Facial recognition technology is nothing new in London or any other city, but the story about its use to protect “the King’s Cross site”, i.e. Google’s London HQ, was remarkable. The “property developer” Argent clearly lied about using it to help the police. Earlier Google even p*ssed off the SAS. Both the police and the SAS can go hang as far as Google and its eager-to-please government minions are concerned.

        One foreign company spies on almost everyone’s microwave tracker, and almost everybody carries a microwave tracker. We’re in big trouble.

        Mussolini’s definition of fascism was when you can’t put a cigarette paper between government interests and corporate business interests.

  • Tony_0pmoc

    Glad you are getting better, and I did enjoy the first half of your comedy sketch.


  • MBC

    Please look after yourself Craig. You are too important. Very sorry to hear you were unwell. Really hope you are recovering well. All the best.

    We have not heard the last of Orpheus.

  • Joe Biden

    These days, you don’t even need the word “rape” in a headline, nor “attempted rape”.
    The commonly used method is to claim “sexual assault”. You say those words, but you then treat them as if you said “rape.” And “sexual assault” can be anything. ‘I felt uncomfortable the way he touched my shoulder’ is plenty enough. That’s sexual assault.
    Of course, “sexual assault” sounds so much like “rape” that all we have to do is to get our friends in both Big Media and Social Media to yell about “sexual assault” as if it were the same as “rape”, and well, Bob’s your uncle (always wanted to use that phrase!)

  • MrK

    Hi Craig,

    As we get older, we need less and less of the main macro-nutrients – fat, protein, carbohydrates from steak, sausage, potatoes – and more of the micro-nutrients and prebiotics (moderate amounts of yoghurt, cheese, alcohol, kombucha, seaweed/sushi, mushrooms, small amounts of game meat). Shifting towards foods that are rich in micro-nutrients and chewing your food well means you’ll get more nutrients from less food. To compensate for the rush of endorphins that go with large meals, weed is an excellent alternative.

    Stay healthy.

    • Davy Smith

      Interesting comments on nutrition.
      I heed most of that but currently cannot use weed due to professional responsibilities (driver) and I don’t smoke.
      Which is a pest.

  • mogabee

    I think many of us have been quietly considering this for a while now but held on to hope as a safety blanket.

    I no longer have respect nor hope. As soon as Stu put his thoughts out there I believed him as his track record gave me that confidence.

    Listening to the views of ‘insiders’ right now is telling us all and it’s no longer good enough to just wait.

    Thank you Craig.

  • Merkin Scot

    I seem to have been prevented from commenting from a public library. A taste of things to come?

  • N_

    Have we heard the one about the party leader and government minister who must have stitched up loads of people to get where he got and then cried like a baby when someone stitched him up back, asking all his fans to send him money?

  • bevin

    View this in the light of the slow realisation, even it would seem in the MSM, that Epstein was actually murdered in jail.
    Rape is simply one of a slew of allegations of this sort- trafficking and pedophilia being two others- employed to reverse the presumption of innocence doctrine and soften up public opinion for, in the case of Prince Andrew’s American friend, his murder.
    Unfortunately the video evidence was misplaced and has now disappeared..but who cares? He was a pedophile and a trafficker of children so decent people can only be happy.
    The last act in these little dramas is one in which, overwhelmed by guilt and sorrow, the smeared kills himself. With that in mind we can watch as the legal proceedings unroll.

    • lysias

      I still suspect that Epstein was smuggled out of jail and is still alive. The person who identified the corpse in his cell was Epstein’s brother, who could well have had reason to lie.

      • pretzelattack

        why? if you kill him you solve the problem for good. a canary can’t sing once he’s flown. there was another autopsy, paid for by the family. otoh i can see why pushing this out there can benefit pedophiles in power, with the implicit message “you have nothing to worry about, we’ll take care of you”–it’s a win win for them, they get some of the benefit of the purported conspiracy without the bother and risk of actually carrying it out (transporting to the island with the 911 plane survivors and whoever), while having taken care of this particular canary forever.

        • lysias

          Much more persuasive to other pedophiles if they can be provided proof that Israel has actually saved Epstein. And Israel has a long history of protecting Jews who have benefited Israel. Like Pollard.

          • John A

            Only for as long as they are useful. Bob Maxwell got pushed off his boat when he became more of a liability than an asset to Israel. I expect his daughter to be well aware of the need to toe the line with her protectors lest she suffer a similar fate.

          • michael norton

            More than twenty years after the death of John Stonehouse, it was publicly revealed that he had been an agent for the Czechoslovak Socialist Republic military intelligence.

            Ján Ludvík Hyman Binyamin Hoch otherwise known as Captain Bob was from Slovakia, andsome think he was a double agent for Israel. He slipped his moorings on the Lady Ghislaine/the Dancing Hare,
            which was built for Emad Khashoggi, one cousin was Dodi Fayed who met a sticky end in a Paris Tunnel
            and another was Jamal Kashogi who met a sticky end in an embassy.

  • Jones

    i guess this scenario shows how easy it is to manipulate the public, the propagandists succeed because they know most of the public would sooner kill a mockingbird than stand out from the crowd.

  • Truth hound

    Well done Craig! I do hope some of this is just good old fiction! I hope you make a quick and full recovery.

      • Jaggy

        I do, when you can’t attack a resolute population who keep voting in a party, then start an offensive to can open that party, set them against each other. One trying to look carefully PC and the other undermined. Side shows and smears get enough of a wobble in and enough MSM bias and false information and folk start seeing smoke where ther is no fire and then the majority starts to slip, recriminations and before you know it… accusations fly about self serving versus one aim…. But I think one of the protagonists in this unfolding saga is looking outside if the country instead of listening to the people. After all they party are not even contactable. None of us with ideas and energy even get asked what we want. We know our own bits of the country who wants centralised power!?! I don’t want us to be in bed with EDF, they have trashed France. WTF would anyone but a Glasweigian want to out a windfarm off the East Neuk and Isle of May when tiny and large birds in their thousands choose Scotland to survive Winter, migrating for Siberia for thousands maybe millions of years ..finding less and less of anything except Persimmons shoogly pegs and to get chopped up to death on the way. I didn’t vote for a party to enact speciesism just like the ‘blood sporting’ land owners who foul the whole of a county and cause floods as the water runs off the Moon (Lammermuirs). What happened to TIDAL POWER GENERATION in the Forth to keep frabrication yards afloat…literally. Not at deal to make it look like we are pro business. We should be Pro Scots and Pro Scotland. Educate the generatio nof men who just want to take destroy and gloat. Our tourist industry not only is unsustainable the way it is, but is also anti community. Where is the legislation for No More Holiday Homes in places where there is no affordable housing or land… like every part of our country. Stand up to these tax doging parasites, not stab your unicorn in the back!!!

        • Cubby


          Re your comment about Glaswegians, the EastNeuk, windfarms and wildlife/birds.

          I spend a lot of time in the East Neuk and done so for decades, I care for the wildlife/birds and I am a Weegie.

          So Jaggy GIRUY.

  • Alan Heffez

    I hope you are feeling better, Craig. I recently noticed the qualifier *NEW* inserted beside your wonderfully researched history of Alexander Burnes, which I purchased and read last year, and I was wondering what was meant by that.

  • IMcK

    Very entertaining article Craig, albeit a bit above my head (thats not saying a lot) … but I’ve not given up yet.
    Glad to see your back firing on all cylinders.

    • craig Post author

      Not really. Probably nobody in the world ever played as much football and cricket as me with so much dedication to practice, and yet was so utterly crap.

  • Reg Vernon

    So sorry to hear that you too suffer from Afib. I’m waiting for a cardiac ablation but I might be waiting a long time. I enjoyed your episode of Yes Minister. You should try to get it performed or published.

  • Thomas

    Exactly like Alec Salmond, to a T. Lots of very vague accusations from women that no one knows and happened supposedly years ago, and they had to change the rules to make it work. All made up by the British state to rule him out of any independence negotiations. It’s all very sinister. He’s now finished as a politician. So very sad.

    • terence callachan

      Not finished until it’s all over , a long way to go , the public want justice

  • Baron

    Your priority, Mr. Murray, is not penning scripts, attending marches or stuff of this kind, but getting yourself restored to full health. You’re not alone to suffer from atrial fibrillation, many of us in the higher age bracket do. Some have high blood pressure on top of it. You may like to try hawthorn drops (tincture), three times daily, but be careful, it’s a powerful natural remedy, and good luck with the recovery.

  • Mark Rowantree

    A very credible scenario. If Saigon scenario were to pertain to issues in the real world which of course they do not.

  • Dungroanin

    Some comedy gold in the Obsessive Groan to go with CM’s.

    Rusbridger breaks cover AGAIN!

    “For some years now – largely unreported – two chancery court judges have been dealing with literally hundreds of cases of phone hacking against MGN Ltd and News Group, the owners, respectively, of the Daily Mirror and the Sun (as well as the defunct News of the World).
    The two publishers are, between them, forking out eye-watering sums to avoid any cases going to trial in open court. Because the newspaper industry lobbied so forcefully to scrap the second part of the Leveson inquiry, which had been due to shine a light on such matters, we can only surmise what is going on.

    But there are clues. Mirror Group (now Reach) had by July 2018 set aside more than £70m to settle phone-hacking claims without risking any of them getting to court. The BBC reported last year that the Murdoch titles had paid out an astonishing £400m in damages and calculated that the total bill for the two companies could eventually reach £1bn.”

    On the overall perfidious msm he quips:

    “Because the newspaper industry lobbied so forcefully to scrap the second part of the Leveson inquiry, which had been due to shine a light on such matters, we can only surmise what is going on.”


    Completely ignoring that the Guardian ITSELF objected to the recommendation of Levesons thoroughly public Inquiry and opposition to a independent press regulator!

    It would have been a building block and certainly stopped most of the continued press misbehaviour over the last 5 years.

    Neither Fish nor Fowl Mr Rusbridger. More sinner that saint more like.

  • Willie B

    There are keywords the media use and everyone jumps through hoops, in Uk Rape is one, think of the children is another , see it in The states often enough with the gun debate.
    Ask why governments over time have always tried to disarm the populace, some just do it, others let the media and public do it, for example, every dictator has disarmed his public, Hitler, Stalin, Mai, now places like the UK used mass shootings , Firstly Hungerford got rid of large calibre semi auto magic rifles, those are the nasty guns that the media try and make out shoot lots of bullets fast, they don’t tell you that you have to release the trigger after every shot, then Dunblane for pistols, the media was full of think of the children type quotes?
    What has this got to do with rape I hear you ask, not a lot, but it shows that the media has power, and a disarmed public is no threat to a government, one of the reasons that the left in the states is after the second amendment, which calls for a well armed militia to defend against enemies foreign and domestic, many think that domestic means home grown terrorists, , not at all domestic also means to protect against a government that is becoming tyrannical, and look at Scotland, it no longer has the means to just take its independence through force so Westminster can do as it pleases, but it all stems from keywords peddled through a compliant media

  • John Goss

    Sorry to hear about your heart but pleased you are on the mend.

    This weekend I read John Grisham’s “the innocent man” – a gripping true story of US injustice which saw two men, Ron Williamson and Dennis Fritz, banged up for a murder and rape they did not commit. It is intelligent writing of a very special kind which moves from page to page with the ease of a potboiler novel – Grisham’s speciality. The innocent man is Ron Williamson but both men (and others) were innocent too.

    All the way through I kept thinking of Julian Assange because although there were differences there were similarities. This was especially evident with the deterioration of mental state due to prolonged incarceration even though Williamson was, and Assange is, innocent. If it had not been for Judge Frank H Seay who was tasked with looking at the case shortly before Williamson was administered a lethal injection another innocent man would have been executed and people would just carry on with their lives.

    In his summary Seay said “God help us, if ever in this great country we turn our heads while those who have not had fair trials are executed. That nearly happened in this case.” The years on death row made Ron Williamson, who always proclaimed his innocence a destroyed man.

    This, this England, is a great country too. Everybody who cares should be protesting the innocence of Julian Assange and not allow the bloodthirsty state machine to trample on his human rights to protect themselves and their nefarious actions abroad. God forbid it!

    • Fearghas MacFhionnlaigh

      A recent (6 Jan 2020) French-language youtube from ‘Le Média’ –


      Rony Brauman évoque le traitement inhumain, qui est une forme de torture, infligé à Julian Assange en Angleterre depuis des années. Après 7 années de réclusion forcée dans l’ambassade d’Equateur, le fondateur de Wikileaks est détenu dans une prison de haute sécurité au sud de Londres, avec des conditions de détention dégradantes. Il présente des symptômes de détresse psychologique alarmants, qui ont récemment conduit Nils Melzer, Rapporteur spécial des Nations Unies, à le déclarer en danger de mort.

      Ancien président de Médecins sans frontières, auteur, avec son collègue Jean-Hervé Bradol, d’une tribune parue dans “Le Monde” pour réclamer la libération d’Assange et de Chelsea Manning (…), Rony Brauman rappelle que ces derniers n’ont d’autre tort que d’avoir révélé des crimes d’Etat, avec pour seul objectif l’intérêt général. Il appelle à la mobilisation pour que cesse la vengeance d’Etat contre un homme grâce auquel la presse internationale a pu faire connaître des informations cruciales pour les libertés publiques.

      • John Goss

        Rony Brauman is right. There are many good people opposed to this injustice. Their voices are seldom heard in mainstream media which is the biggest problem and a bi-product of who owns the media. As with the late Ron Williamson people believe what they are told.without question.

  • Jaggy

    Hi Craig I too had a sudden Yes Minister Spoof about 18 months ago.. off the top of my head and tried to post it to FB instead it somehow bounced off and the original was lost, although I remembered some if it the comedy timing was lessened.
    You have countered it with the tragedy all to common in the story of the dirty tricks against the Scots…
    The person specially advising a certain northerly power is the most self serving liar skirting these parts and wish they had never come to destroy the Athens in the North and all that made it a creative caring and couthy community. She set the allegations up. Many in the past have met with her dagger in public life most of us too trusting to understand that kind of ruthlessness as it was nit the norm then….Evil is as evil does. But we have long memories and we have as loyalty, something that certain folk seem to have forgotten of late. They will wake up when they find that we have taken note and acted upon it. They should get ofv their backsides and protect Scots and our land including or wildlife and stop sooking up to transglobal sharks…

  • Jaggy

    Thanks for your prose and thanks for sharing the health problem, I have been getting that at first only now and then. I believe you are right electro magnetic sensitivity too.
    I get it more often now and have had long periods of stress. Great that you are on the mend and actually being believed or treated, not so for women at a GPs! I’m glad of suggestions for living well with it were posted too by other contributors to the comments.
    Take Care Craig.
    p.s. wish we could address the daily assault on truth that is the BBC….

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