Massive Growth in Non-Existent Crime 227

It is lead news in every outlet of the mainstream media today that there is a massive increase in terrorism – as everyone can plainly see from all the bodies littering our streets.

I can also tell you that there is a massive increase in the threat of deadly asteroids about to hit Britain and destroy us all. My unimpeachable evidence for the existence of this massive asteroid threat is my own anti-asteroid activity. I and my dedicated team have visited 268 sites this year where we thought an asteroid was about to strike. That represents a 40% increase on our activity last year and therefore the media can say a 40% increase in the asteroid threat.

Thankfully due to the brilliance and never-ceasing vigilance of my anti-asteroid team the world has been saved. We can continue to do this if given a further 15% budget increase to 32 billion pounds and the right to arrest anyone anytime who looks a bit dusky, and take Theresa May to pose in their home.

There will also be a new crime of denying that asteroids are dangerous or looking at videos and pictures of asteroids. Anybody found guilty of looking at asteroids in other countries will be found guilty of treason and hung drawn and quartered.

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227 thoughts on “Massive Growth in Non-Existent Crime

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  • Jives

    One can always tell on the Grauniad website when they’ve received an edict from Chatham House or The Royal United Services…

    You’re not allowed to comment.

  • Paul Dreyfus

    Some other non-existent crimes would be looking at pixies and elves on your computer if these are deemed to represent child pornography (!).
    You can also be done for looking at 30-year-old women with small breasts or who otherwise look under 18.
    And you can ALSO be done, at least in theory, for having a consensual relationship with someone below your home country’s age of consent when you’re abroad,
    Laws, laws, laws.

  • Sofia

    Sat 18th Sep 2014


    Paleoneurologists Baffled.

    “…all credit to Cuba…”

    Other News.

    Russia Invades Somewhere with Invisible Army. (Photo)
    Demons Celebrate in Kremlin.

    Breicht New Era To Last 1000 Years

    Breaking News.

    Central And West Africa Destroyed.
    No Colateral Damage.

    Science News.

    Pedants Emerge.

  • Harry

    An enjoyable piece of satire. Thank you Mr Murray. It remains one of my core beliefs that 99.999 percent of real terrorism is conducted by the various State actors seeking justification to commit crimes for geopolitical advantage. This venality coupled with the “onboard” and “on message” media like the Tavistock Daily Mail, or MI6’s Telegraph playground, makes terrorism very real indeed, though the true source is invariably hidden.

    To this day, treason charges laid against State actors like Francis Maude, and Douglas Hurd go unanswered and ignored. This country has progressed to the point where treason might be considered a daily occurrence so badly trampled has our constitution been under the assault of Great Britains rogue executive and apathetic as well as ignorant Parliamentarians.

  • Habbabkuk (La vita è bella) !

    I’m flattered – but surprised – that a couple of technical comments from me on a poem submitted by Mary should have elicited the “thought” from the Celtic Poetaster Sofia that those comments “explain the present state of Israel only too well” and for good measure “illustrate the utter depravity of the state of Israel only too well”.

    I suggest that the Celtic Poetaster is bonkers.

  • John Goss

    Sofia good to see you back in such great form.

    Noddy, criticism is good if it helps people, and is intended to be helpful rather than demeaning. But as you should be learning at Blyton before you start criticising others it is as well to have your own house in order. Expect a visit from your fagmaster.

  • Mochyn69

    Theresa fucking Mayhem strikes again:

    “Home Office ‘chaos’ over asylum appeals

    Theresa May’s department withdraws thousands of asylum refusals before appeals, leaving people in legal limbo”

    The woman is not fit for the purpose.

    But then again, there’s always Buffoon Boris ..

    “Boris Johnson: ‘Do you want me to be photographed in my Bullingdon Club uniform? With a spliff? Now you’re talking’

    With his bumbling demeanour and disarming wit, Boris Johnson is seen by many as a blast of fresh air. But how serious is he about becoming prime minister?”

    What CAN the Grauniad be thinking!?

  • Habbabkuk (La vita è bella) !


    “One can always tell on the Grauniad website when they’ve received an edict from Chatham House or The Royal United Services…

    You’re not allowed to comment.”

    I take it that the above is a non- too- subtle way of informing us that some comments of yours got refused by the moderators at the Guardian.

    If they were as inane as the stuff you’re allowed to post on here, I can’t say that I’m surprised, Jives.

    Why should the Guardian open its pages to ignorant, disrespectful, oafish clowns like youreslf?

  • mike

    So we’re going to slap sanctions on Libya, the failed state that we created.

    A joint statement released by the war-mongering powers said there was “no military solution” to the ongoing crisis. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

    Clegg and Cameron are Blair-lite, but still war criminals.

  • Defiant

    Yeah…the linguistic and rhetorical tricks you use are cute…but since there IS terrorism and there ARE terrorists…and they HAVE attacked America…and they OPENLY PROMISE to do it again…and the have an actual country now…AND they keep growing…AND they’re obtaining military equipment beyond what we left in Iraq after the war…

    You’re really actually VERY far off base with this opinion piece.

    THIS kind of stuff is the actual propaganda.

  • Al Onin-Duisburg

    Jives, 19/10/14 1.41p.m. Absolutely correct. I recently signed up as a laugh to the Gatekeeper. The daily emails I get read just like a selection of Pravda-Prop from the old days. All reinforcing the mainstream media’s previously agreed agendas.
    Habbaclown-I have never had a comment rejected on any newspaper forum. Only on here-and I am quite happy about accepting that. So what is your idiotic point?

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