English Idiots at the Telegraph 75


That is a map of Argyll and Bute constituency taken from Wikipedia. It is huge, and as you might imagine communications around it are pretty difficult. It contains at least a dozen different inhabited islands.


In a straight line it is about 150 miles from its northernmost to southernmost point. As is obvious, you can’t actually travel around it in straight lines without a helicopter.

Yet those purblind London oriented fools at the Telegraph think it is a scandal that the MP, Alan Reid, claimed £1500 on bed and breakfast within his own constituency. That would be four days stay for Hazel Belars in the Clerkenwell Hotel, but it was in fact Alan reid putting in the hard miles needed to be a good MP in his wonderful constituency – which makes the best whiskies in the world.

The real scandal here is the purblind stupidity of the English idiots of the Telegraph, who thinks that North means Islington and West means Chelsea.

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75 thoughts on “English Idiots at the Telegraph

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  • Jason

    “Our shop doorway are pretty full at the moment!!”

    Reminds me of the Bill Hicks gag – “They say the best way to survive a nuclear strike is by being in a doorway. Great, that means the survivors restarting the human race will be tramps, hookers and junkies…”

  • David McKelvie

    It’s impossible to get around Argyll and Bute in a day by car-and-ferry or by helicopter, so B&Bs are inevitable.

    Ever since Sir Tam Dalyell Bt of The Binns invented the “West Lothian Question” it’s constantly being thrown in the faces of we Scots. What about the West Croydon Question where English MPs have affected voting on purely Scottish matters – or doesn’t that count?

  • Jason


    That punchline just came to me, too! Maybe Glaswegian will emerge as the new world language…

  • MJ

    Hasn’t the thorny West Croydon Question been resolved by the creation of a Scottish parliament?

  • Tom Kennedy

    An Asian man goes to a top surgeon and asks how he can become a Scotsman. The surgeon explains that this will involve a risky operation to remove a third of his brain and that he would advise against it. The Asian man is adamant.

    “I admire the Scottish. All my life I have wanted to be a Scot, please perform the operation. Money is no object”.

    The surgeon relents and agrees to do the op. Unfortunately a terrible mistake is made in theatre, and the surgeon ends up removing two thirds of the man’s brain. He is in a coma for several days, his head encased in bandages. The surgeon keeps vigil at his bedside, afraid that he will be struck off, or worse.

    After several days, the patient’s eyes flicker and slowly open. The surgeon, with tears in his eyes, tells him that a terrible mistake has been made.

    “I’m awfully sorry” he says, “but we have removed two thirds of your brain. How do you feel?” he asks.

    “Absolutely spiffing, old boy” replies the patient.

    – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

    As an Irishman in London in the 80s, I often had to listen to Irish jokes from my English co-workers. We Irish laughed if the jokes were funny, we didn’t usually look for nor take offence. But whenever I told this joke, with “Irishman” replacing “Scotsman”, I cannot remember any English people ever managing to laugh at themselves.

    Are there any English jokes? I can’t think of any others. Why are there so few?

  • QM

    @ Chris

    I had a snigger at your naivity about the oil, England would just buy its oil on the international market where no doubt Scotland would sell it anyway. There’s also the matter of the Gas fields belonging in English waters an English resource, no doubt scotland would be willing to buy some of that.

    However the main crux of the matter comes down to why Alan Reid who only has a mandate on defense and foreign policy have to travel about his constituency? I could understand it of his MSP counterpart though who probably does the real work of a politician in that constituency.

    @ HappyClappy, lets hold up a mirror to the English, can you tell me when was the last time some Scot in England beaten up for wearing a Scottish shirt, or because they had a Scottish accent?

    Before accusing the English of racism, perhaps you’d care to put your own house in order.

  • Lancelot

    Scots most racist nation in the world ring fenced your borders, hate all English ! what a wonderfull race of nice hypocrits you are

    as for Whiskey i prefer English, made in Norfolk,England. St George distillery! we will pinch ye olde trade !

  • Doc Snoddy

    The Asian Gentleman that wanted to become a Scot by having the operation on his brain was waisting his money anyway.

    Because being Asian he would have been circumcised through his religious belief and we all know that to be a Scot you have to be a complete PRICK.

  • David McKelvie


    “Hasn’t the thorny West Croydon Question been resolved by the creation of a Scottish parliament?”

    So why do the English still whinge about the West Lothian Question?

    No, the answer is that it hasn’t, and won’t be until two things happen: the English get their own parliament, and the Westminster Parliament behaves as a truly Union parliament which it never has from 1707 to date.

    The Union could have worked equitably if the English had not simply carried on as they had been doing before and simply treated Scotland as a rather large and fractious English county.

    And there’s rivers of bad blood that have flowed since then, mostly of the English’s own doing – did you know that many Highlanders and their families were sold into slavery in the West Indies after 1746?

  • Ed

    @Tom Kennedy

    Allow me to be the first English person to laugh at your “absolutely spiffing” joke. Nice one. I like it.

    @Doc Snoddy

    Allow me to laugh at that one too. Nice one. I like it.


    Dear English Football Association

    As a representative of the Scottish Football Association, I would like to inform you that we wish to change the way the English Football team is managed to bring it more in line with the way our Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, is running Britain.

    This will involve the following:

    1. The Manager of the Scottish team is allowed to be involved with the running of the English team. However, the manager of the English team should have no say whatsoever in the running of the Scottish team. This shall be known as the West Lothian Question.

    2. A sizable proportion of any money the English Football Association raises from, say sponsorship or crowd takings, shall be given to the Scottish Football Association, regardless as to whether you need it or not. This does not apply the other way round. This is known as the Barnett Formula.

    3. You are not to call yourself England any longer. You will now be known as the British Regions. We, on the other hand, are still to be known as Scotland, “a proud and noble nation”.

    4. Medical treatment to your players will be limited to a few treatments because of cost. No such stringent limitation applies to Scotland.

    5. If your playing surfaces are flooded, then do not expect much assistance. However, Scottish pitches will be adequately provided for in the event of flooding.

    6. From this moment on, the English Football Association will cease to exist. However, the Scottish Football Association will be allowed to continue to work independently.

    A failure to follow these rules will see you branded as arrogant, selfish and unfair.

    I’m sure you will find this to your satisfaction. After all, you seem to be happy with this state of affairs with your political system, so why not your Football team?

    Yours sincerely

    Mr G Brown.

    PS You English are so naive, you are being abolished and don’t even realise it.

  • Terry

    When Clarkson called Brown a Scottish idiot, all hell broke loose (despite the obvious facts that he is 1. Scottish and 2. a prize idiot). Questions were asked in the UK Parliament and he was forced to apologise, for god’s sake!

    When the English object along the same lines to the kind of nonsense written by Craig, we’re ‘thin skinned’ ‘cus we’re only messin’. I can’t find a single post from a Scot objecting to this twaddle… just more of the same.

    jeez. I wish the SNP would field some candidates down here, Scotland would be independent by Christmas

  • Chris

    Chris meet Chris….. I thought names were normally unique on blogs…. obviously I’m wrong. Fortunately I agree with my alter ego although I am not Scottish.

    However, as one who spent many, many happy holidays in the highlands I found the people to be fantastic. Not quite so fond of the whisky though.

    As for the rest of you ranting fellow Englishmen…. Get over yourselves for goodness sake.

  • David McKelvie


    This English exclusiveness and self-centredness that your post brilliantly displays, of course extends beyond vindictiveness towards the Scots.

    Take cricket, that most English of sports. For years international matches were played by the Marylebone Cricket Club (MCC). Now, however, they are played by England. Imagine how players from Glamorgan CCC now feel representing England (for the benefit of the English – Glamorgan is in Wales).

  • MerkinOnParis

    I live in Mr Reid’s constituency and I can tell that you can hardly fart without it costing you an arm and a leg – due to the difficulties of travelling on ferries with a limited local bus service.

    Mr Reid doesn’t receive my vote but he is a good constituency MP and well enough respected here.

    In this area, it is the local councillors who are corrupt to the marrow but that is a different matter.

  • Davie Park

    A few random facts.

    1. I find the company of my English friends at least as convivial as that of my friends who are fellow Scots.

    2. I lived in Norfolk for 5 years or so and had, without question, some of the best times of my life there.

    3. Some English people are great, some Scottish people are arseholes.

    4. SO WHAT!

    None of this changes the fact that Scotland (among other areas) is very much on the periphery of the Metropolitan mind set.

    The arrogant, often wilfull ignorance displayed by the MSM with regards to anything furth of London and the ‘Home’ Counties is quite appalling.

    The rest of the UK has become (by design) just a feeder of talent and resources to the South East.

    That is, after all, the playground / work-centre for the British establishment.

    I thank God that Scotland has (and Wales has), potentially, a way out of this. I fear for the North and South-West of England.

    They will have to make do with crumbs of comfort. Fatter, juicier crumbs in the good times – but crumbs just the very same.

    Craig’s point stands. Ignorance and sneering dismissal of Scotland is not only rife in (particularly the Southern part of) England, but is often worn as a badge of honour.

    These people ARE idiots, they ARE English AND the fact that they are English is a contributary factor in their ignorance in this matter.

    The thin skins of a few of the posters (Scots and English) is an embarrassment.

    Scotland isn’t the problem, England isn’t the problem, but an anachronistic, corrupt and bottom heavy political union IS.

  • chris


    I think i wasn’t making my point clear enough regarding the oil in the North Sea. At present the UK has a large amount of revenue from selling oil, collect in the North Sea, to the international market. My point was that it is the revenue from the selling of North Sea oil that Scotland would have the sole rights to if we separated from the UK. On the gas point, some of the gas fields you talk about are in Scottish waters in the North Sea which would keep us in good supply. But my point was regarding the money being made from oil or am I still being naive?

    The £1500 a year on B&B bills travelling within his constituency would amount to around twenty days. That is not that much travelling time considering he has to visit around six Island some of which you can’t get off for a couple of days. It require a bit more work than popping down to the local constituency office for an evening to speak to everyone.

  • Jon

    @John D. Monkey, @John, @wonkotsane et al:

    The whole point of pointing out that the journos were English was not that English people are all stupid. It’s just that were they Scottish, they would have known the area in question is difficult to travel across, and they would not have assumed that the “lazy MP” could just have drove or caught public transport.

    Now, I didn’t know the arrangement of Argyll and Bute either, but were I a journalist, I like to think I would at least have checked the map to see if the overnight stays were reasonable. The problem with the ‘expenses’ story is that there are some minority strands of thinking emerging that there is no need for second houses for all MPs, or that all expenses are unnecessary or corrupt.

    I disagree with Craig on one item though. When Gordon Brown was abused for being “Scottish”, there was no suggestion that his northern-centric views were disadvantaging him as PM – it was simply a term of abuse (i.e. ‘go back to your own country’). I therefore find that objectionable, whilst letting pass Craig’s (colourful) approach to this post.

  • Jon

    It’s a shame that this post has brought out genuine racists (Lancelot, Doc Snoddy) having an unnecessary go. Can’t you respond to the point directly, folks?

  • Jon

    @wonkotsane – care to have a wild guess at the number of Scottish communists working at the Telegraph?


  • John D. Monkey

    @ David McKelvie.

    Not quite right. Actually its officially “The England and Wales Cricket Board”.

    “England” and “ECB” are used as everyday / marketing shorthand, although I agree it’s mildly irritating for Welsh cricket (not just in Glamorgan) that this shortened form is the default mode.

    It’ll be interesting how “ECB” is presented at the Ashes Test in Cardiff!

    It’s part of a general issue of accuracy over usability – do you use an accurate but long-winded definition or a more comprehensible but not strictly accurate one? It also gets into PC-think over words like “blind” or “disabled”.

  • Craig


    You really seem to have lost it.

    I didn’t say nurses were “cleaning and lifting.” I said their jobs were stressful, skilled and very very hard work. I think they are underpaid for what they do – and particularly by comparison to MPs. You think everything is perfect in NuLabLand.

    And nobody said only NuLab are fiddling expenses.

  • avatar singh

    the two things for which britian is famous for or rather lives off on exports are the scottish whiskey and scottish north sea oil. and ofocurse scottish education which is years ahead of enlgish parochial education.

    the english calling others racist is like pot calling wool black?

    well done craig and I do hope scotland seperates from england very soon adn kick out parasitical english(or rather anglosaxon parasites-the real [pirates from low lands of holland who arrived this shore as pirates in 450 ad) from its affairs.

  • David McKelvie

    *John D. Monkey:

    Why did the English feel they had to change it from the MCC?

    Cricket is also played in Scotland.

    The British and Irish Lions mange well enough with a mouthful name.

  • David McKelvie

    * MerkinOnParis:

    As you know, but for the benefit of the others, the CalMac Ferry from Oban to Colonsay runs once a week.

  • John D. Monkey


    It’s very complicated and I’m no expert but MCC was never the same as the England cricket team.

    MCC is a private members club which inter alia used to govern the laws of the game until the International Cricket Council was set up in the 1990s to reflect the increasingly international nature of the game. MCC did organise the England cricket team until the Test and County Cricket Board was set up in the late 1960s, although I think Tests were always played as England (some cricket expert might correct me on that!). Other tour matches were under the MCC banner until the 1990s, when the ECB was established.

    More recently, Scotland now have its own international cricket team (who play in World Cups etc. but not at Test level as they aren’t good enough) but Wales does not, although a team representing Wales apart from Glamorgan play in the Minor Counties Championship.

    Many Scots have of course played for England (Mike Denness was England Test captain).

    Never though we’d be discussing the intricacies of the organisation of international cricket on Craig’s blog!!!!

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