Sky News Exclusive – Inside the World of the Taliban Sandbank Squads 58


BIGGER THAN 9/11

MOD sources have revealed exclusively to Sky that the Taliban attack on HMS Astute could have been “Bigger Than 9/11”. As Sky correspondent Adam Ramsay was told exclusively by Taliban commander Hilal-al-Wemadeituppy, a crack Taliban team planted the Improvised Sandbank Device that almost destroyed HMS Astute on Friday.

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HMS Astute Disabled By Deadly Taliban ISD Attack

Now MOD and security service sources have told Sky security correspondent Oswald Moseley that this attack was potentially “Bigger than 9/11”. This is the 435th such potentially bigger than 9/11 attack since 9/11.

Sky can exclusively reveal that, if the contact with the Improvised Sandbank Device or ISD had caused an explosion in the nuclear reactor on board HMS Astute, it could have wiped out the two hundred million people living on the North West Coast of Scotland.

John Reid, former Home Secretary, told Sky News that this was evidence that the Islamic threat was now potentially more destructive than a full scale nuclear war with China.

AN OVERWHELMING CASE FOR 196 DAY DETENTION

Lord Blair, formerly Head of the Metropolitan police, believes that Britian must now strengthen anti-terrorism legislation and re-open investigations into thousands of Muslims who have been searched or arrested and released.

“IIn the past we have concentrated on looking for potential bomb ingredients like sugar or domestos. We now realise that many suspected terrorist houses, where insufficient evidence could be found for a prosecution, in fact contained sand. This was often found in the garden. It was very often cunningly disguised as a playpit. All reasonable people must deplore the use of children as a front for terrorism. We believe that sand may also have been cunningly incorporated into the very fabric of some of these homes.”

Sky News can exclusively reveal that Lord Blair’s remarks have reopened debate on the vexed question of Detention Without Charge. Top security analyst Rupert Mussolini believes that the sandbank threat proves suspects should be detained for much longer periods to give the police time to think up a ludicrous pretext. “If you are going to bang people up without reason for 28 days, why not 196?” he asks.

BRITISH MUSLIMS IN SECRET AL-QAIDA TRAINING CAMPS

In the past, it has been revealed exclusively by Sky News that Muslims engaged in any form of sport or outdoor activity, such as skiing or white water rafting, are actually engaged in Al-Qaida team building exercises. Only now do we realise the full extent of such activity in intensive training camps actually here in the UK to give secret training in the preparation of Improvised Sandbank Devices (ISDs).

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Deadly Sandbank Training

HISTORICAL ROOTS

Military historian Andrew Mengele has explained exclusively to Sky News that Muslims would be incapable of thinking up a tactic like the Impovised Sandbank Device (ISD) for themselves, but were taught it by the British.

Dr Mengele explained “Many military historians like myself beliive that the Improvised Sandbank Device, or ISD as we military historians call it, was intoduced into Islamic culture by that great master tactician of guerilla warfare, Lawrence of Arabia”.

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Lawrence of Arabia With Prototype Sandbank

IRA LINK TO AL-QAIDA

In an interesting twist, Sky’s Northern Ireland correspondent John Knoxkingbilly can exclusively reveal to Sky viewers that the security services in Northern Ireland believe that the ISD provides further evidence of tactical and ideological linkages between al-Qaida and the IRA.

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The Riddle of the Sands

There is, apparently, no end to the fanaticism of the Taliban menace, of which the Improvised Sandbank Device is but the latest manifestation of an infinite threat. In the chilling words of Taliban Commander Hilal-al-Wemadeituppy, talking exclusively to our Chief Correspondent Adam Ramsay, “We will fight them with the beaches, Inshallah”.


58 thoughts on “Sky News Exclusive – Inside the World of the Taliban Sandbank Squads

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  • Suhayl Saadi

    Ha! This is brilliant!! Wonderful Sunday satire, Craig. Keep ’em comin!

    But we need to insert Nessie somewhere. Operation Kraken. D’you think she might’ve escaped from her primeval habitat to roam freely in the North Atlantic, sporting a plesiosaur version of the niqab? Perhaps, just like in a forthcoming episode of ‘Spooks’, it is she, on behalf of Osama Back-close Wheelie-Bin, who is pushing sandbanks and submersibles inexorably towards these sceptred isles in general and Old Mother Thames in particular?

    We may need a special Plesiosaur Protection Squad (PPS), headed by a veteran plesiosaur such as Dame Pauline Neville-Jones.

  • RichardSM

    I always thought what an amazing coincidence it was when the biggest ever anti-terrorist operation was launched on 13th-14th Feb 2003, when troops and tanks were deployed at Heathrow, just before the biggest ever anti-war protest was due to take place on 15th February.

    Last weekend, the media was in full frenzy mode just before the spending review, but this was dampened on Monday when details of a potential cyber-attack on government/military sites was revealed. BBC news programmes were then dominated by cyber-experts, defence think-tanks, and security correspondents.

    After the CSR announcement on Wednesday, the media went into overdrive again on cuts, cuts and more cuts. What does it mean? Who is affected? What can we do? Then on Friday – a nuclear submarine runs aground. The media goes chasing after the story, it dominates the headlines and coverage on cuts is relegated.

    Just another amazing coincidence, I suppose! Only – I had a nagging doubt. So I googled to see when the last nuclear-submarine ran aground. (it has to be a nuclear submarine since these are guaranteed to trigger public concern.) It was during the night on 7th November 2002 – just off Skye – and just before the UN Security Council was due to agree the most important SC resolution for decades – UNSC Resolution 1441.

    Another amazing coincidence, I suppose!

  • gremlins3

    This dramatic incident of narrowly-avoided catastrophe on an unimaginable scale only serves to highlight the case for controversial Government “Big Brother” plans to monitor and retain details of all website, email and phone traffic.

    According to a security review seen by Skye News, social networking sites such as Facebook are increasingly being exploited by terror networks “bragging” about recent trips to high-risk seaside locations and posting provocative photos and videos of their activities. Likewise literally “hundreds of thousands” of websites, many organised into global networks, routinely post details of trips to locations openly offering unrestricted exposure to sand such as beaches, and deserts, actively soliciting custom and boosting their funds via online payments. Even phone traffic is a “growing menace” as security analysts battle to uncover consistent patterns of “chatter” involving such seemingly innocent and diverse sources as builders’ merchants, children’s playgroups and glass blowers.

    Following further unconfirmed reports this afternoon that a Mr. and Mrs. Bloggs and their 5-year-old son Fred, have been caught attempting to construct a “prototype terror training camp” on a sandy beach at Broadstairs, the terror threat level has been raised to “apocalyptic”.

  • Suhayl Saadi

    There is one terror level alert red flag that lies above even apocalyptic. It is a new word and has been coined by COBRA today. It is, ‘armageddonal’.

    It meets the criteria for corporate neologisation. First, it is ugly. Second, it is clumsy. Third, it is alarmist. Fourth, it resembles the hook-line of a Phil Collins song (and so is both ugly, clumsy and utilitarian). Sixth, it contains lots of hard, Old English rhyme-style consonants and so, in the context of a millennium-plus of Romanisation, to the innocent listener, connotes aggression.

    Soon, it will be used by most corporate speakers in all manner of settings.

    Remember, you heard it here first! The Beast is rising. Behemoth is here. Fear, always.

    Armageddonal. Learn it, Use it. Eat it. Be it.

    The walls have ears. The ears have walls.

  • Suhayl Saadi

    Clearly a conspiracy by… somebody. Or possibly, Ruth, since – she tells us – she’s originally from the south coast. The Diuretic-in-coffee Toilet Break conspiracy, well-known among the afficionados of Pukhtunwala. Of course.

    Turn the word, ‘Purbeck’ round and translate into Pashto. This is a code for the words: “Place powdered drug in Klix machine on ferry; it will result in explosive improvement in taste”.

    Pay attention now. ‘Poole’ in Urdu means ‘flower’. Flowers of Paradise. There we are then. We’ve just uncovered – with the much-valued help of Francine Gardner, our BBC florist correspondent and Rhyming Thomas Mangold, who is just an absolute flower of an old boy – a entropic Jihadist plot to roll cars off ferries in southern England.

    And why? Because, as every Bro knows, an automobile in the water and an infidel on the pan is the surest ferry to Paradise this side of Hell!

  • IT

    It is the steam, coming out of some funnel – that made me chuckle.

    Anyhow, lets hope our subs know their way around the Persian Gulf.

    imagine .. the Iranian Revolutionary Guards …. pulling a British sub off a sand bank …

  • TONY

    The sub must have been steered by one of the sailors who were captured at Shatt Al- arab a few years ago. Nice spoof, Craig.

  • Freeborn

    This guy,Suhayl is just overcome by HIS OWN wit!

    The satire in the piece draws on the parallel universe the corporate media have created for the educationally subnormal masses who still subscribe to the pure fantasy they peddle.

    Just how unfunny this phenomenon really is can be seen on newspaper reviews like the one on the Andrew Marr Show where know-nothings like Carol Vorderman and Jane Moore spout off on topics of which they are utterly ignorant for the benefit of the equally clueless viewers.

    This morning there was the unedifying spectacle of millionaire novelist,Ken Follett,who picked out an article re-the Wikileaks expose of torture and troop violations in Iraq. In the piece Follett looked at appeared the “revelation” that British troops had also committed grave crimes against Iraqi civilians.

    Marr,himself,had spotted a piece on the same topic noting that US forces according to Wikileaks had managed to gun down in cold blood 450 Iraqi civilians at checkpoints. Many were women and children.

    Follet’s article carried a headline re-a British soldier who had shot dead an Iraqi girl of eight as she played on the street.

    Follett told Marr that he sympathized with the squaddie who could only have been driven by the constant dangers he faced into pulling the trigger and committing such a heinous crime-by accident he seemed to be suggesting!

    Neither Marr nor the simpering Times reporter Anne Trennemann remarked on Follett’s gross insensitivity or loss of moral compass.

    These are evidently trademark characteristics for the parallel universe inhabited by such bloated Rothschild Pens as these three.

    That was sick.

    This IS funny. The episode of Question Time you probably missed:

    http://cluborlov.blogspot.com/2009/09/elephant-anyone.html

  • Anonymous

    Craig’s post July 6th:

    Not Wanted

    Apostate, Freeborn and Steelback (who may or may not all be the same person) are not welcome on this site, under these or any other names, for persistent anti-semitism and holocaust denial.

  • Anonymous

    Like the satire. Far fetched yes, but so is the crap Sky and other news outlets spout. I’m sick of the lies by these cunts (pardon me)they are all doing it and the public know they are doing it and just plod along like everything is fine

  • Mark Golding - Children of Iraq

    http://vimeo.com/16127256

    The curious movements of a Jaguar and Luton station car park on 28th June 2005 and 7th July 2005

    Bereaved families of the London bombings are asking whether the authorities could have prevented the 2005 attacks. They want to us the inquests to ask MI5 officials why they did not follow up plot ringleader Khan after he was witnessed meeting known terror suspects 17 months before the attacks.

    MI5 said this was impossible becuase it would require the disclosure of ‘top secret’ intelligence files.

    It is becoming clear in my opinion however that these four young men were ‘set up’ by a small covert team who had knowledge of the MI5 investigation and surveillance of a known terrorist agent who was being used by a team within MI5 to infiltrate the Muslim community.

    Image enhancement so far has failed to identify the Jaguar registration plate from the car-park CCTV images although further analysis of CCTV on route to the station car-park may reveal the identity of this suspicious vehicle.

  • dreoilin

    Craig, I hope you’ll find the time to do one of these every Sunday (or every second Sunday.) It was full of nuggets. And I read so much (very) serious stuff, that this was a tonic. Sky is so ripe for satirical commentary.

    I saw that session with Andrew Marr this morning. I think I’m right in saying that Follett sympathizing with the squaddie was the only reference to Wikileaks in the programme? I was in and out of the room.

  • anno

    Does a sub have a tracking system? Or is it like a jag, it locks you out of the car if you leave the key in the ignition?

    The captain calls his superiors to give him the code to unlock the system, but they won’t give it to him. We have full Beachside rescue insurance. We are not going to risk revealing your codes over the phone.

    Come to think of it, there should be trackers on the jag, on the officers and on their mobile phones. Or are our security services specially untracked like nuclear sub-marines?

    Should we worry about Muslims’ being recorded continuously everywhere , even in their own bedrooms, through their private phones and laptops etc, while the security services are supposedly invisible and the judge isn’t allowed to suggest otherwise? As Craig implies, you couldn’t make it up even if you wanted to.

    As for the Iraq wikileaks, why is it so normal for US and UK soldiers to film atrocities being committed. Did they need to keep the evidence of what they had been told to do by their commanding officers, to protect themselves?

    At the end of the day atrocity is incompetence in modern military terms. The soldiers know that their commanders have been told by the politicians to create a hell-hole which their companies will be paid to improve.

    Police officers on the other hand know that their commanders have been told by politicians to fabricate security fears in order to divert attention from the crimes of the bankers who have committed the crimes of a lifetime and walked away free without being charged.

    It’s funny how people see things differently when they are in somebody else’s country from when they are at home. Abroad, you don’t respect the law, but at home you respect it because you know who the real gangsters are who are committing the crimes.

    It is a thin, blue line.

  • glenn

    Craig –

    You left out the part about how the bare-chested duo Nick and Dave swam, with knives held between teeth, beneath the oceans to rescue the stricken craft, and how in a grim and ferocious battle for Britain’s very existence, barely managed to kill all the AQ/ Taliban operatives before the enemy succeeded in sucking the submarine down to the centre of the Earth. Had they not succeeded, the resulting nuclear detonation would have made a volcano out of the entire country, turned the land upside-down and radioactive, imposed Sharia Law and burkas even for men, and caused house-prices to remain depressed at 1960s levels for billions of years.

  • Sabretache

    Inclusion on WikiSpooks is unlikely to be a career-enhancing CV item but, out of courtesy, I thought you should know that you have the dubious honour of authoring the first piece to appear under the Wikispooks ‘Humour’ category.

    It really is very funny. Thanks.

    https://wikispooks.com/wiki/Document:Bigger_than_911

    Maybe someone would like to enhance the Bio page a bit. I have a thousand articles pending and haven’t the time.

  • Apostate

    Please tell the Pavlovian dog that keeps popping up to bark about “antisemitism” and “Holocaust denial” IT has been BOOKED for the Andrew Marr Show next Sunday!

    Should be an improvement on Ken Follett and the dog and Marr both have erect attentive ears ready to spot any “antisemitism”.

    P.S. Oh and “Holocaust denial!” of course.

    ZIO-BRAINWASHED SAPSKULLS!

  • ingo

    cheered up my sunday, thank you, lets hope that steam visible was not contaminating the springwater that feeds the single malt that ends up down Craigs neck, that would be truly devastating, darn Talibunnies.

  • dreoilin

    Well done, Sabretache, great idea.

    Mark, the most curious thing about that vimeo footage is that there are any gaps in it at all. Why should there be? Very fishy.

  • dreoilin

    Wikileaks’ Julian Assange Accepts Intelligence Experts’ Whistleblower Award “On Behalf of Our Sources”

    25 October

    On Saturday, during the press conference announcing Wikileaks’ release of nearly 400,000 classified US military field documents relating to the war in Iraq, Craig Murray, the human rights activist and former British ambassador to Uzbekistan, accompanied by Daniel Ellsberg (the Pentagon Papers whistleblower), presented Wikileaks’ founder, Julian Assange, and the entire Wikileaks organization, with the 2010 Sam Adams Associates for Integrity in Intelligence Award. SAAII is a movement of former CIA colleagues and other associates of former intelligence analyst Sam Adams, who provided information that prevented a deadly troop escalation during the Vietnam War, and, as the members of SAAII have explained, they “hold up his example as a model for those in intelligence who would aspire to the courage to speak truth to power.”

    Continues here

    http://tinyurl.com/2v8qn9m

    at http://www.andyworthington.co.uk

  • technicolour

    Just refound a top link from Richard Robinson ages ago: ‘This is the title of an typical incendiary blog post’. Nothing to do with Craig, of course – it’s the comments which are eerily accurate, including this one:

    “This comment makes its exasperation manifest. It careens quickly into pet peeves that have nothing to do with the post, focusing instead on generalizations about women, races, bicyclists, and an ethnicity described with an adjective used as a noun. A coded racist remark is added, followed immediately by accusations of a “race card” being played.

    In summary, disagreeing with this comment to any degree is censorship, which is typical for you and your misdefined 19th-century agenda.”

    http://faultline.org/index.php/site/item/incendiary/

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