Stunning New Leaked Document 220

A gentleman in a dark trenchcoat has just handed me this minute. I am not going to check the veracity of its contents at all, but I am rather going immediately to publish it.

Mr Carlton-Browne,

I had a phone call from that Peruvian Johnny. No idea what he was saying, some kind of foreigner talk apparently. Anyway it turned out that young Olga the cleaner could speak the language so she translated for me. She is a marvel, Olga. She even takes copies home of everything for me so that if I lose something she’ll have another copy safe and sound.

Anyway, apparently this Peruvian chap had been in Scotland and met up with Alex Salmond, who used to be some sort of local official. He thought that I would like to know that Salmond said he wasn’t big on canapes and despite his name didn’t like smoked salmon. Rather wry that, I thought.

He went on to say that Salmond said he had enormous respect for Nigel Farage, who was very macho, and he would be delighted to see a UKIP government in power after the general election, preferably in coalition with Pegida. Salmond added “thank God nobody knows about this, or they would lynch me. Of course I haven’t told anybody, but I feel perfectly safe revealing it at random to a passing Peruvian I just met.”

The Peruvian chap said before he hung off that of course he was telling me as everybody knows that all foreign ambassadors must by protocol give details of all their transactions to their host governments and that anybody who denied this was a dirty liar, particularly smart-arsed ex-diplomats from Edinburgh. He also added clearly that nobody at all should believe him if he himself denied these conversations had ever taken place.

I thanked him very much for this information. This is a very proper and official government memo, oh yes. It even has acronyms – we shall have to tell R2D2 and SPECTRE before the meeting in Rio about climate change because we are all genuine government people doing important government business, oh yes.

I shan’t put my name on this as it is all jolly secret. If anyone catches us out, just say Olga got lost in translation.

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220 thoughts on “Stunning New Leaked Document

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  • Resident Dissident


    The other point about all this is that all parties have to be a lot more upfront about what their red lines are re policies and supporting other parties than has been the case in the past. What the LibDems did last time especially re Clegg’s volte face on economic policy and the speed of deficit reduction was nothing short of a democratic disgrace for which we paid during the first 2/3 years of the Government before they finally realised that cuts and austerity do not actually reduce deficits – if there really are Tories who believe that a repeat performance is what is required lets just hope they are kept away from the Treasury.

  • John Goss

    Dear Blackshirt,

    This is what your friends have done to the decent people of Donbas who voted in a referendum for self government. A lot more democratic than your friends who stole power in Kiev. Bet you cannot watch it through, at least not without a tinge of a suggestion that you might be supporting the wrong people with the perpetual bombing of Shirokino (a village which should have taught you by your own rules of the game who the aggressors were.

  • Resident Dissident

    Dear Johnny Goosestep

    Kindly please read the OSCE reports, read what people who know something about Ukraine are saying (e.g. Snyder, Garton-Ash and Applebaum – who are not fascists and understand the history and politics of the region), listen to the leader of DNR who has now admitted the involvement of Russian troops, look at what has happened in Transdnistr, take your head out of Putin’s arse, stopping going to all those stupid conspiracy sites, think for yourself, get some treatment for your 2nd childhood and if all that fails just go and **** yourself.

    I really have no time for your miserable, ill informed and uneducated drivel anymore, you are incapable of engaging and answering even the most civil of questions with your usual parrot cry of fascist – and like all parrots you really don’t have a clue what you are saying.

  • Iain Orr

    RD at 10.28 and 10.42 pm on 6 April – Thanks for these comments; but please guard against your anti-LibDem bias. What authority would Clegg – if re-elected – have against Cable if the LibDems had just lost more than half their seats? I seriously doubt your idea that the SNP would ever do any deal with the Conservatives. Short term advantage? Possibly. Long-term, total disaster. On “red lines” I totally disagree. There is every reason for these to be kept up rather than worn on sleeves. Has no-one read Machiavelli? If parties ask “What’s your red line, they have to deal with the riposte … “And yours?” Judge parties by what you see as their core values, not by what they say they will do.

  • John Goss

    Dear Blackshirt

    The documentary made me cry. I can see it has no effect on fascist supporters. Or could you not watch the truth instead of pumping out western propaganda and downright lies. You never opposed Pinochet. I don’t believe somebody supporting the Kiev fascists could ever have opposed Pinochet. You are a liar. You have proved it so many times one more won’t make any difference to your character. Watch the documentary. Hear what the residents say. I’ve timed you and you never had time to watch what the poor bereaved people of the Donbas had to say before making your, as usual, ill-informed and pro-fascist comment. No wonder the likes of you do not want to watch a documentary posted by a good man.

  • RobG

    Habbabkuk (La vita e’ bella)
    6 Apr, 2015 – 10:11 pm:

    “Resident Dissident

    Of course he hasn’t got a list.

    You must understand that the bugger’s bored stiff in his Burgundy exile and probably hasn’t got the price of a British newspaper (they come expensive abroad) – he’s just having what passes for fun.

    Take a gander at his website – the guy’s a parasite.”

    Habba, you Establisment lot who post anonymously are pathetic in the extreme, because of course you have no credibility whatsoever and lies and spin are in your DNA.

    I know exactly who you lot are – real names, addresses, etc.

    I’m sure you wouldn’t mind me posting such information here, because of course you are so certain of what you’re saying, and you really are not a bunch of low lifes who are paid to lie and deliberately misinform the public.

    Go look up ‘morality’ in the dictionary, you piece of scum.

  • Mary


    Your post rang a bell. There was a play on Radio 4 yesterday about a computer virus that invaded social media and exposed the authors’ real identity. The aftermath was hilarious. I will try to find the iPlayer link.

  • Mary

    Do You Know Who Wrote This?
    Afternoon Drama
    Jonathan Myerson

    The BBC’s Technology Correspondent Rory Cellan-Jones stars as himself in this wicked comedy about internet fakery by the creator of Number 10.

    When stay-at-home mum Ali finds herself lampooned on a mothers’ chat site by ‘BumsTooBig’ and ‘BubblyMummly’, she can’t help wishing she knew the real identity of her tormentors. But when her wish comes true, she finds she’s unleashed an unstoppable global revolution.


  • Ba'al Zevul

    Those with more than a cursory knowledge or of Scottish politics or his history will know that Nicola is very far from being the sweet innocent above the Westminster fray. I suspect that there is more than one copy of the Prince on Les Sturgeon’s bookshelves.

    I’d take that as a ringing endorsement of her intelligence. Given the contempt in which the UK parties evidently hold the democratic process, naivety would not be a useful qualification. 🙂

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