Stunning New Leaked Document 220

A gentleman in a dark trenchcoat has just handed me this minute. I am not going to check the veracity of its contents at all, but I am rather going immediately to publish it.

Mr Carlton-Browne,

I had a phone call from that Peruvian Johnny. No idea what he was saying, some kind of foreigner talk apparently. Anyway it turned out that young Olga the cleaner could speak the language so she translated for me. She is a marvel, Olga. She even takes copies home of everything for me so that if I lose something she’ll have another copy safe and sound.

Anyway, apparently this Peruvian chap had been in Scotland and met up with Alex Salmond, who used to be some sort of local official. He thought that I would like to know that Salmond said he wasn’t big on canapes and despite his name didn’t like smoked salmon. Rather wry that, I thought.

He went on to say that Salmond said he had enormous respect for Nigel Farage, who was very macho, and he would be delighted to see a UKIP government in power after the general election, preferably in coalition with Pegida. Salmond added “thank God nobody knows about this, or they would lynch me. Of course I haven’t told anybody, but I feel perfectly safe revealing it at random to a passing Peruvian I just met.”

The Peruvian chap said before he hung off that of course he was telling me as everybody knows that all foreign ambassadors must by protocol give details of all their transactions to their host governments and that anybody who denied this was a dirty liar, particularly smart-arsed ex-diplomats from Edinburgh. He also added clearly that nobody at all should believe him if he himself denied these conversations had ever taken place.

I thanked him very much for this information. This is a very proper and official government memo, oh yes. It even has acronyms – we shall have to tell R2D2 and SPECTRE before the meeting in Rio about climate change because we are all genuine government people doing important government business, oh yes.

I shan’t put my name on this as it is all jolly secret. If anyone catches us out, just say Olga got lost in translation.

220 thoughts on “Stunning New Leaked Document

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  • Mary

    In full for the record. I admire her guts. In comparison, the snake oil salesmen are moral pygmies.

    ‘Nicola Sturgeon speaks at anti-Trident rally and warns “future generations would never forgive us”

    4 April 2015 by Andrew Clark

    First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has this afternoon spoken at the annual anti-Trident rally in Glasgow, urging people across the UK to seize the moment of the Westminster election to block the renewal of Trident nuclear weapons.

    Addressing the annual CND Scotland Scrap Trident rally in Glasgow today (Saturday) Sturgeon told the crowds: “We gather here today on the eve of the most important UK election in living memory.

    “Never before have the establishment Westminster parties been so unpopular – and never has there been a greater opportunity to build a progressive alliance across these islands to chart a different course.

    “And nothing sets these two visions apart more than the nuclear weapons sitting just a few miles down the river Clyde.

    “One of the biggest decisions that MPs will take in the next Parliament is whether to waste £100bn on renewing these morally obscene weapons.

    “Broken down, that’ll be around £3 billion a year, peaking at an eye-watering £4 billion in the 2020s.

    “We all know that Trident is morally unjustifiable, but at a time when the Westminster parties are all committed to forcing yet more austerity on us after the election – Trident is economically indefensible.

    “Just think of what could be achieved with this money for the NHS, education or other public services – not just in Scotland, but across the UK.

    “The annual running costs alone would allow us to train around 20,000 police officers. Or 30,000 nurses. Or a staggering 40,000 teachers.

    “And the huge capital costs could be invested in things we actually need. 2,000 high schools across the UK. 2,500 Community Hospitals. Or up to 8,000 primary schools.

    “And that is why all of us must put the question of Trident renewal at the top of the agenda over the next few weeks.

    “So my message to voters in Scotland and across the UK is this. The MPs you elect next month will decide whether we renew Trident.

    “The choice could not be clearer – and your vote has never been more important.

    “You can vote to spend £100bn on a new generation of weapons of mass destruction.

    “Or you can vote to spend £100bn on building a fairer and more prosperous society.

    “I have been against nuclear weapons all of my life – indeed, I was a member of the CND before I was a member of the SNP.

    “I give you my cast-iron assurance SNP MPs will never support Trident – and that is why we need as many SNP MPs as possible in the House of Commons.

    “Future generations will never forgive us if we make the wrong choice.

    “We must all of us seize the moment – vote to scrap Trident, vote for peace and vote for a progressive future.”’

  • Republicofscotland

    Very droll Craig, sarcasm becomes you,I suppose,the leak could’ve come from a fellow,who knows a fellow,whose mum works as a cleaner,in Whitehall,who overheard two fellows mention it,in the canteen.

    It must be true then eh.

  • Resident Dissident

    No – doesn’t ring true – if it had been Salmond he would have given nods and winks using betting odds.

  • Ken Waldron

    Frenchiegate… Exclusive full unedited conversation!!!

    Some wag on “Wings” came up with this:

    Nicola – “That Milliband’s a bawbag”.
    French ambassador – ” So you want Cameron as PM”?
    Nicola – “Aye, that’ll be right…”

    Which would be quite believable if only Mags Curran was First Minister
    …Fortunately she’s not.

  • Republicofscotland

    Scotland Office refuse to comment on the matter.

    The Scotland Office,is a fifth column,undermining Holyrood at every turn,and Alistair Carmichael,in reality represents,the Westminster’s intrests,and not Scotland’s interests.

    This false accusation,is a prime example of the establishment’s,dirty underhanded tactics,and adds to the plethora of reasons why Scotland must become independent.

  • Habbabkuk (La vita e' bella)

    If Lysias (on the “It didn’t happen “thread)thinks that the not even 2% of UK GNP spent by the UK govt on defence is ” high”, how would he describe the percentage of GNP spent by the UK govt on health, social security and education?

  • Habbabkuk (La vita e' bella)

    Might I just break through the rather feeble attempts at parody (most of your readers, Craig, are too young and uninformed to catch the Carlton- Browne reference), the ineveitable attempts at detective work and the expressions of righteous indignation to ask a simple question, as follows:

    could it just possibly be that the SNP would actually prefer to see a Tory-led govt at Westminster headed by David Cameron to a Labour-led govt headed by Ed Milliband ?


    Habbabkuk says: ask the right questions, don’t get distracted by the froth.

  • Habbabkuk (La vita e' bella)

    And I believe that Fred may well have provided the answer on a previous thread, viz:

    “But it is only stating the obvious. The SNP have only one policy and that is to wreck and break up the UK so it doesn’t exactly come as a surprise they would prefer a Conservative government.”

  • Mary

    We know all about Carlton-Browne thanks.

    The attempt to defend this indefensible smear is both risible and expected.

  • Habbabkuk (La vita e' bella)


    Yes, I’m sure YOU do because, as you’ve told us many a time, you’re getting on in years.

    But I have the impression that most (not all) of the Excellences and Useful Idiots on here are youngish to middle-aged folk.

    As for myself, I know because – in addition to great expertise in several fields – my general knowledge is encyclopaedic.

  • Habbabkuk (La vita e' bella)

    I have just noticed that the excellent Resident Dissident is with Fred on why La Sturgeon might well prefer a Tory govt led by David Cameron.

  • Squonk

    As for myself, I know because – in addition to great expertise in several fields – my general knowledge is encyclopaedic.

    You drinking this early in the evening? 🙂

  • nevermind

    You have to forgive him squonk, those several expertise’s are diametrically opposed to each other after all those storm force winds and to the flying carpet he sits on, hence they are out of reach and from 9pm tonight his Isfahan super allegro will fly upside down.

  • Mary

    With age comes wisdom and also the ability to weed out the trolls from the honest injuns.

  • Habbabkuk (La vita e' bella)

    Unfortunately, Mary, age does not always equate with greater wisdom.

    As various eminent authors have so movingly described, age is often synonymous – alas! – with obsessive behaviour, querulousness, forgetfulness, imagined slights and pessimism.


    La vita e’ bella, life is good!

  • Observer

    Obama is a master conman, the nuclear agreement is simply to lull the Iranians into a false sense of security, a strike has already been planned for before he leaves office in 2016. A tory government is an essential part of the plan, they will achieve it using any means. We can expect another Rigby “beheading” caper soon.

  • pabelmont

    From New York, I write to say how much more hilarious UK commenters are than those who comment on, my favorite hangout. We’re all so serious, one way or another. I know about nothing of UK politics but I love the style of the satire (in this case) and the responses. Carry on!

  • Habbabkuk (La vita e' bella)


    Fair points, but don’t forget “Lysias” on this blog; he’s an American (allegedly) and there’s nothing serious about him 🙂

  • Peacewisher

    @Habby: it should be obvious to anyone with a working political brain why Nicola would prefer a tory government… it will spell more austerity, which will make people even more likely to vote SNP, and press for Independence, because labour has failed them again.

    If she said it, even privately, it looks like a “Gerald Ratner” remark.

  • RobG

    I suppose we will have to give Military Intelligence two and a half some lessons on how to do propaganda:

    1) In this wired-up world the Dr Goebbels-type propaganda no longer works (unless you read the Mail or Telegraph).

    2) Propaganda now has to be much more subtle – the Guardian have become quite apt at this in recent years.

    3) Good propaganda makes the reader think that they are embracing something which is with them, but in reality the underlying message is against them.

    4) No more about good propaganda, for obvious reasons.

    5) What I’m saying is obviously propaganda.

  • Habbabkuk (La vita e' bella)


    “@Habby: it should be obvious to anyone with a working political brain why Nicola would prefer a tory government… it will spell more austerity, which will make people even more likely to vote SNP, and press for Independence, because labour has failed them again.”

    So she may well have said it, right? And lying when she said she didn’t say it.

    So what is all the fuss on this and the previous two threads about?

  • Peacewisher

    @RobG: It needs to be a carefully constructed blend of 95% truth and 5% lies… must take ages to achieve and not surprising it sometimes comes out wrong.

    Better to tell 100% truth IMHO!

  • Resident Dissident

    While I think it is silly to refer to Les Sturgeons control of the SNP as being “Stalinist” – I think it would not be a reasonable assumption that there are not a few within the SNP who have been bruised over the years that may have a score or two to settle – such love among the Scottish Brethren is not a feature confined to the Labour Party.

    I wonder if Craig would have signed up for those standing orders if he had been selected?

    Personally if I were to adopt a minority party leader to cuddle up to and place all my faith in I think the lovely Leanne Wood would be a better choice – far less likely to betray any loyalty given in return. Perhaps now I’ve given away my second preference Craig could let us know who he wants to see as the next PM?

  • Republicofscotland

    So what is all the fuss on this and the previous two threads about?

    So whats all the fuss about,you clearly haven’t been paying attention, or you’re deliberately being obtuse.

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